New Year!

here has gotta be something good to be said about this time of year.

It is, for me at least, a time in where everything just grinds to a squealing halt, and everyone (barring the fuckwits in the post before) becomes all placid, and laid back.

For instance, I didn’t actually go to work today. I went to my place of employment, did a bit of the usual rigmarole of answering emails and tidying up some loose ends, and then proceeded to have a few glasses of wine with the office lovelies.

And it is during this time that you get all the low down on the people you work with.

Who’s doing whom. Who’s trying to do whom. Who is really an arsehole when you’re not looking. Finally, who is the office tragic (thankfully enough, it’s not me, at least, they’re not telling me that to my face).

Due to the fact that majority of our clientele and customers are probably gallivanting around the arse end of this country, in remote areas that don’t afford mobile phone (cell phone) coverage, we can all run the risk of getting tanked in the afternoon safe in the knowledge that we have pretty good odds that we won’t get busted.

Yesireebob, there is a lot of good to be said about this time of year. Aside from this stinking hot weather that leaves you lying on the couch, gasping, in a pool of your own sweat.

Anyway, seeing as I won’t have another opportunity between now and tomorrow to knock this piece up, Happy New Year, everyone!

*sigh*

It is truly amazing, sometimes, how very few people will admit it when they’re ticked off.

Or how people say that they accept your apology, when in fact, they don’t.

Needless to say, over the past year I have taken stock of my life, looked at my errors, and made moves to make amends. Needless to say, the people who I have wronged in the past have assured me that they’re quite okay with it.

Needless to say, they’re fucking lying.

It has been said that it takes a big man to admit when he has made a mistake, and for all accounts, I’ve believed it. To take a good look at yourself and say, “hey, that time I put my pants on my head and ran screaming through the aged care facility… well hey, wasn’t I just the l’il wrong un then, eh?” seemed character building, and I believed that it would make people appreciate that you’ve foregone the ego and just accepted the fact that you’re not perfect.

No. People don’t do that.

They will focus upon that one little indiscretion you did, and they will remember you by it. They will cite it again and again, twisting the knife that was sharpened by your own confession and apology. Again and again, it will be raised as a trump card in any future arguments, and will be justification for them to look upon you with scorn as they pass you in the street.

They will continue to look down on you for years; their narrowed eyes a sharp reminder of your mistake. Their pursed lips a marker of the scar you left on their soul.

As I’m learning more, and more, it appears that during life you will be known for your faults and failings, but in death people will finally acknowledge what you offered them.

And by then, it’s too fucking late.

As an adult, I have tried to groom myself into being a better man. Why? For personal satisfaction? Yes. For respect? Again, yes (although some would suggest it’s erroneous to value yourself through the perception from others - but honestly, who doesn’t, even in a slight way?). For fun?

Well, it’s not fucking fun. It’s no fucking walk in the park. Admitting making a mistake is not something that is simply scattered about in a manner akin to feeding chickens.

My New Years Resolution? Stop caring. People will only know you for the bad, no matter what.

Oh, and there’s something in my resolutions about reducing the alcohol, and getting into better shape. My wiry thin shape took it badly over Christmas.

Christmas Hyde

As I’m flanked by laces of tinsel, assaulted by merry tunes and greeted constantly by pom-pommed red hats, I can only feel obligated to send out an obligatory Christmas cheer comment. Or two.

And for those of you in a country that doesn’t celebrate Christmas, this is probably not going to be of much interest to you.

May the holiday season bring joy to your hearts, like the words of many an aching cliché uttered by well-meaning but unimaginative folks. It is a season in where you extend your best wishes to all, and they all extend them back.

It is a time when you put aside all feelings of ill-will, and show the lighter side of your nature. You do something that may be a little different from your normal behaviour, in the hopes of making everyone else’s Christmas just that bit gayer.

Like when your ex wishes you a merry Christmas, you thank her kindly – instead of telling her to get fucked.

When people yell obscenities from their car window as they pass by, you smile and wave an acknowledgement – instead of cracking their rear window with a rock.

When you go to a bar, and a drunken Australian girl says that she loves your accent and asks you where you’re from, you make up a country to humour her – instead of raising your eyebrows and asking her what medication she’s mixing in her refreshment (note: I don’t have an accent – at least, not for a local).

When senior staff don’t bother to thank you for your hard work over the past month, you smile and chat with them when you pass in the corridor – instead of spitting in the water cooler.

When the hot office girl walks past, you nod and greet them – instead of staring open-mouthed, drool escaping down the side of your jaw, a soft zombie-esque moan emanating from your throat.

When people chat to you on public transport, you talk back, agreeing with their conservative attitudes on things like immigration, racism and politics – instead of fantasizing about stabbing them in the face. With a pen. Repeatedly.

When children approach you at a restaurant, brandishing whatever toy it is that has their attention, you smile, nod and talk at length with them about it – instead of suppressing the idea of tipping over their parents who are rocking on their chairs as a result of being three-deep into their bottles of wine.

When waitresses give you shoddy service, you wave off their apologies with a slight hand gesture and give them a tip – instead of waving off their apologies with a slight hand gesture and then staring unabashedly at their breasts.

When carolers start singing in the atrium of your office building, stop and listen to them intently – instead of hurriedly walking past them, hands clamped over your ears as you then catch an elevator to the top floor and start lobbing five cent pieces off the catwalks.

Spread the cheers. Do something that’s different to what you’d do normally. I know I am.

My Ode To Your Ode

Dear relative

When you decide to take it upon yourself to write a tribute, eulogy or whatever banal thought exits your head and splashes onto paper, please take note of the following things.

We are not interested about you. We do not want to hear about how you’re suffering at the twisted hands of fate and death. We do not care how close you were with the deceased.

Equally anyone with half a brain would recognize this as the typical, flagrant campaign for attention you normally march out on, and would give you no regard whatsoever.

I would be quick to assume that you’re not weeping for the deceased, but the realization that one day, you too will die, but it would be presumptuous of me to do so.

Your piece which you so blatantly and erroneously call an “ode” did little to savor the memory of the recently passed, and subsequently was the reason I avoided speaking with you after the service.

Thank you for taking a slice out of an event which was meant for someone else, and making it a piece for you.

However, perhaps I shouldn’t be so harsh on you. For all your appearances, and for all the snobbishness you administer upon those whom do not meet your lofty and superior standards, I must realize that you are still a child.

Perhaps I didn’t know my grandmother as well as you did. Perhaps I should’ve given my own little written tribute to a wise woman.

Because for a woman who I believe deserved poetry, lyrics and words that brush a wild and vivid image like those she painted, what you offered did not do her justice.

Yours sincerely, Me



PS. Goodbye Grandma. The best tribute we all can give you is through demonstrating and believing what you’ve taught us all.

Sedition Stirring

I’m not usually one to soap box stand. Actually that’s a lie. I do it all the time. In fact, this is what my blog is all about. It’s probably why you regular readers keep coming back, why some link to me, why most people never come back and quite possibly why people avoid my eyes in the street and walk away hurriedly.

But there’s much ado going on about Anti Terror and Sedition laws with the major conglomerates of mediocrity that we delight in referring to as The Media taking the issue to task.

Oh, the agony they must feel that they are being stripped of their “right to free speech” and how a free press is the bastion of any free society!

“Oh woe is us!” they all cry from the pits of their laptop keyboards, whittling away the USB mouse plug so that it doubles as a sharp, pokey thing, “we cannot write anything against government because they'll chuck our arse in the slammer for seven years, and in there we'll go insane because of all the faeces on the floor!”

Oh, I do feel for their plight.

I mean, how can they practice writing their novel if they can’t put complete fiction on the front page, and then put an apology the size of pin head on page 49?

It must be terrible.

Equally terrible must be the inability to actually read the proposed Anti Terror laws, in particular section 80.3 in where it outlines that a defense can be formed if the articles are written “in good faith”.

I’m no lawyer, and I’m probably wrong to be delving into issues that are far beyond my uneducated brain, but the way I read it is that if an article is published with the intent to incite change through legal (ie peaceful) avenues then they’re okay.

Equally okay is if the media published what are commonly known as… well… you know… “facts”.

I’m sure the media would argue that they DO publish “facts”. Much in the same way our government “interviewed” terror suspects, how Clinton never had “sexual relations” with that Lewinsky chick, my ex didn’t “cheat” on me and how Jews during the holocaust were sent to Auschwitz “summer camp” for “sunbaking” and “frolicking” in the “pool”.

(Sorry, but the media were the first to start using Nazi metaphors regarding these laws.)

I remember thinking that it’s usually a racist who says something along the lines of “I’m not racist, but… [insert vitriol about immigration issues]”, so I’m wary of saying this… but…

I’m no right wing, government supporting, Howard lover, and I believe that these laws are only on the cards to add fuel to increasing fear that lingers on the nation, but frankly… anything which stirs the pot with the media has my thumbs up.

Even Spam Hates Me

In my hotmail account, I am privileged enough to receive numerous emails from far and abroad. Some of these are filtered through as “junk”, for reasons unknown, as you will read below. Also, my responses can be underneath in italics. Please forgive lack of decent formatting.

DEAR FRIEND,
MY NAME IS MRS.LARISA.SOS. NITSKAYA, PERSONAL SECRETARY TO MR.BORIS MIKHAIL KHODORKOVSKY,THE ARRESTED CHAIRMAN/CEO OF YUKOS OIL AND BANK MENATEPSPB IN RUSSIA WHO IS PRESENTLY IN JAIL. I HAVE THE DOCUMENTS OF A LARGE AMOUNT OF FUNDS WHICH HE HANDED OVER TO ME BEFORE HE WAS DETAINED AND TRIED IN RUSSIA FOR FINANCING POLITICAL PARTIES (THE UNION OF RIGHT FORCES, LED BY BORIS NEMTSOV AND YABLOKO, A LIBERAL/SOCIAL DEMOCRATIC PARTY LED BY GREGOR YAVLINSKY) OPPOSED TO THE GOVERNMENT OF MR.VLADMIR PUTIN,THEPRESIDENT THEREBY LEADING TO THE FREEZING OF HIS FINANCES AND ASSETS.

AFTER SEARCHING THROUGH THE BOOKS OF YOUR COUNTRY'S CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRIES HERE IN RUSSIA. I AM CONTACTING YOU TO ASSIST ME TO RE-PROFILE THE FUNDS AND EQUALLY INVEST SAME ON HIS BEHALF. THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF FUNDS TO BE RE-PROFILLED IS FORTY six MILLION DOLLARS(USD$46,000,000.00) AND YOU WILL BE PAID 20% FOR YOUR MANAGEMENT SERVICES.

AS SOON AS I RECEIVE YOUR ACCEPTANCE IN MY PRIVATE EMAIL thus: , I WILL SEND YOU THE NECESSARY DETAILS AND MY IDENTIFICATION.


YOURS SINCERELY,

MRS.LARISA.SOS.NITSKAYA.

ANY FURTHER RESPONSE SHOULD GO TO MY PRIVATE EMAIL ADDRESS FOR FUTURE CORRESPONDENCE.

Dear Mrs Nitskaya (and all the periods in your name)

I sincerely feel for your plight, as your oil and bank company seems to be so fraught with budget cut-backs that your computer seems to have its Caps Lock key stuck, and its spell checker is bust.

Your request for a new computer might possibly explain the current price of petrol, though.

Or, perhaps CEO’s in Mother Russia are liking personal assistants who don’t know good netiquette. But I guess this information is so important, that shouting is definitely required.

I would love to invest “same” of this money, although I am not au fait with my country’s policy on using assets of convicted criminals (regardless of whether they are innocent or not).

Whilst the proposition for a 20% slab of US$46,000,000.00 is enticing, I must refuse on the grounds that I don’t exactly want to get on the bad side of good ol’ Vlad Vlad Putin. I’ve still got his lawnmower, and he’s been harassing me about getting it back. God knows he’s annoying enough without trying to annex my backyard.

Good luck with this. As I like to help however I can, I have forwarded your email to the Australian Federal Police. If they cannot help you, then hopefully they might know someone who can.

Regards

Andy

--------------------------

DEAR FRIEND,

AS YOU READ THIS,DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME,BECAUSE I BELIEVE EVERYONE WILL DIE SOMEDAY .MY NAME IS MRS SUSAN KHALID, A WIDOW AND CHILDLESS WOMAN NOW DUE TO A CAR ACCIDENT THAT CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFE ,I AM A MERCHANT IN NIGERIA . I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH ESOPHAGEAL CANCER WHICH WAS DISCOVERED VERY LATE,DUE TO MY LAXITY INCARING FOR MY HEALTH. IT HAS DEFILED ALL FORMS OF MEDICINE,AND RIGH NOW I HAVE ONLY ABOUT A FEW MONTHS TO LIVE,ACCORDING TO MEDICAL EXPERTS.I HAVE NEVER PARTICULARLY LIVE MY LIFE SO WELL,AS I NEVER REALLY CARED FOR ANYONE NOT EVEN MYSELF BUT MY BUSINESS.THOUGH I AM VERY RICH, BUT WAS NEVER GENEROUS,I WAS ALWAYS HOSTILE TO PEOPLE AND I ONLY FOCUS ON MY BUSINESS AS THAT WAS THE ONLY THING I CARED FOR BUT NOW I REGRET ALL THIS AS I NOW KNOW THAT THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST WANTING TO HAVE OR MAKE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD.

I BELIEVE WHEN GOD GIVES ME A SECOND CHANCE TO COME TO THIS WORLD I WOULD LIVE MY LIFE IN A DIFFRENT WAY FROM HOW I HAVE LIVED BEFORE.NOW THAT GOD HAS CALLED ME THROUGH THIS WAY I HAVE WILLED AND GIVEN MOST OF MY PROPERTIES AND ASSETS TO MY IMMEDIATE AND EXTENDED FAMILY AND AS WELL AS FEW CLOSE FRIENDS.I WANT GOD TO BE MERCIFUL TO ME AND ACCEPT MYSOUL, AND SO I HAVE DECIDED TO GIVE ALMS TO CHARITY RGANISATIONS,AS I WANT THIS TO BE ONE OF THE LAST GOOD DEEDS I DID ON EARTH.SO FAR,I HAVE DISTRIBUTED MONEY TO SOME CHARITY ORGANISATIONS IN THE U.A.E ALGERIA, MALAYSIA AND IDIAN.NOW THAT MY HEALTH HAS DETERIORATED SO BADLY,I CAN NOT DO THIS MYSELF ANYMORE.

I ONCED ASKED MY FAMILY MEMBERS TO CLOSE ONE OF MY ACCOUNTS AND DISTRIBUTE THE FUNDS WHICH I HAVE THERE TO CHARITY ORGANISATION IN BULGARIA AND PAKISTAN,THEY REFUSED AND KEPT THE MONEY TO THEMSELVES.HENCE,I DO NOT TRUST THEM ANYMORE,AS THEY SEEM NOT TO BE CONTENDED WITH WHAT I HAVE LEFT FOR THEM! THE LAST OF THE FUNDS WHICH NO ONE KNOWS OF IS THE HUGE CASH DEPOSIT OF THIRTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS($35,000,000 ,00) IN EUROPE WITH A CARGO SHIPPING SECURITY FIRM IN FRANCE PARIS .I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN BE OF GOOD HELP TO DISPATCH THIS FUNDS TO CHARITY ORGANISATIONS.I HAVE SET ASIDE 10%FOR YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND PATIENCE.MAY GOD BE WITH YOU AS YOU HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE A BOLD STEP TO HEAL THE WORLD WITH ME OR EVEN IN MY DEMISE...

PLEASE REPLY TO MY PRIVATE MAIL BOX (email address withheld)
AS I WILL ONLY BE BUSY ACCESSING MY PRIVATE BOX WAITING FOR YOUR REPLY.

BEST REGARDS,
SUSAN SAIDIK KHALID

Dear Susan

I am truly blessed to know so many kind people who refer to me as “friend”, and especially ones that like to shout lots. I do feel for your plight, and it is certainly moving that someone could manage to build a successful business without a proficiency in the English language.

I also find it heart-warming that you choose not to write a Last Will and Testament, instead choosing to bring some happiness into a stranger’s life. Surely your name will live through the ages as a beacon of charity floating above the quagmire of greed, corruption and garden gnome stealers.

Your health may have deteriorated to the point that you cannot click some buttons on your internet banking, but you still muster the strength to type a lengthy email and life story – I am in awe.

I do find the idea of a share in thirty five mill very seducing, however I must decline. As chances are that I do not follow the God that you reference in your touching email, I do not feel that I can put this substantial amount of money to the organisations that would most befit your intentions.

I thank you for approaching me. As I know your health is deteriorating, I have taken the liberty to subscribe your email address to many different drug companies. I feel the true potential of Viagra has yet to be discovered, so hopefully my little gesture can help you along the fearful and harsh path you tread.

Regards

Andy

-----------------------
FROM MR ONI ABRAHAM
DIRECTOR:NIGER INSURANCE COMPANY.

My Dear Friend,

I feel quite safe and satisfy dealing with you in this mutual beneficial transaction. Though, this medium (Internet) has been greatly abused, I choose to reach you through it because it still remains the fastest, surest and most secured medium of communication. However, this correspondence is purely private, and it should be treated as such. I guarantee you that this deal is hitch free from all what you may think of and I encourage you to read it to the end so that you can understand it very well for the benefits of both of us.I am MR ONI ABRAHAM.DIRECTOR:NIGER INSURANCE COMPANY, in charge of Claims and Indemnity of the COMPANY. I am contacting you based on Trust and confidentiality that will be attached to this deal for the benefit of both of us.

The Management and the Legal / Treasury Department of this NIGER INSURANCE COMPANY in a recent meeting, recommended that the account of ( MR. ANDREARS SCHRANNER),who maintained a Life Assurance Policy, should be declared Dormant and confisticated hence moving his unclaimed benefits funds to the Treasury according to our Banking and Financial law. Recently, I came across a huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person (MR.ANDREARS SCHRANNER).

He is a foreigner and unfortunately He is now late as he was among those that Died on the recent plane crash during his visit to London with his entire family.

You can confirm through this website below: (link provided but withheld from my blog - Andy)

This man was our client and has a Life Assurance Policy WORTH the sum of Fifteen Million United States Dollars (US$15,000,000.00). Right now, the fund is lying unclaimed in our custody and there is no next of kin mentioned in his file and there is NO HOW we can reach any of his other relatives. All efforts made to establish contacts with any member of his relation has proved abortive and unsuccessful. His Life Assurance Policy will expire in the next few months from the date of this letter. Just last week we received an instruction from Ministry of Social Welfare to forward particulars of all unclaimed benefits that will expire in the next few months.

Upon my personal finding on this matter, I kept this information secret to myself until now that I am contacting you. In view of the fact that the deceased customer is a foreigner (from a different country), it is officially important for the involvement of a foreigner who will pose as a next-of-kin. I will use my exalted position in this Insurance Company to present you as his Next of Kin as you can be his relative, friend or Cousin and the Money (US$15Million) will be safely transferred into your own bank account in your country.

Please include your Telephone/Fax number/ Home Address when replying this mail and I will give you more information as soon as you indicate your willingness to assist in this valuable transaction. I will use my exalted position here to get all internal documentations to back up the claims.

The whole Procedures will last only 7 working days to get the fund retrieved successfully without trace even in future. Please I need the following:
1. YOUR FULL NAME
2. PHONE AND FAX NUMBER
3. HOME ADDRESS/COMPANY'S NAME AND ADDRESS.
4. YOUR AGE AND OCCUPATION

The transaction will be done successfully and smoothly completed via email and phone. Send your full name, address and telephone number to me via email urgently today so and you call me for discussions as we will contract an attorney that will procure the documents that will cover you before the probate office as the next of kin to late MR. ANDREARS SCHRANNER. I PROMISE that you must be happy and shall rejoice greatly soonest for cooperation with me in this transaction. After successful conclusion of this transaction, we shall share the money 50-50 (50% for you and 50% for me).

I await your good response today.

Thanks and remain bless. I require you to maintain the confidentiality of this transaction because it is important due to the fact that I am still in active services to the Niger Insurance Company.
Your earliest and urgent response to this matter is very important.


Call me on my direct phone number for more clearification on this transaction.

I AM WAITING YOUR REPLY TODAY.
Kind Regards,
MR ONI ABRAHAM
DIRECTOR:(NIGER INSURANCE COMPANY )

Dear Mr Abraham, and O exalted one.

I have considered your proposal, and it seems sound to my non-lawyer brain, however I regret to inform you that I receive offers similar to this one, but are for substantially larger amounts.

As I must keep my own interests at heart, I must direct my interests to those that make the best offer.

I do hope that you can find someone more fitting to accept the benefit from someone else dying. As I try to help, I have forwarded your details to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. They might be able to provide some insight into tracking down a better next of kin.

Regards

Andy

-------------------
NOTIFICATION FOR CASH GRANT
This is to notify you that you have been choosen By the Board of Trustees of the above International charity organization based in the Italy as one of the final Recepients of a Cash Grant/Donation for Educational,Economic, social and Research developments in your community.
The Vittorio Foundation has established in 1977 by the Multi-Million group was conceived with the objective Of Human Growth, Educational and Community development. In line with the 28 years anniversary program this year, the Vittorio Foundation in conjunction with the European Council is giving out five Hundred thousand euro as specific Donations/Grants to 150 lucky international recipients worldwide in different categories for Business development and Social uplift of their various communities.

These funds are freely given to use for your business and educational development and your community development at large.
Based on the random selection exercise of internet websites and millions of Super market cash invoices worldwide, you were selected among the lucky recipients to receive the award sum of 500,000.00euro (five hundred thousand euro) as charity donations/aid from the Vittorio Foundation in accordance with the enabling act of Parliament.(note that your email was selected from either the nternet,after absolute viewing of your profile or a Shop's cash invoice around your area in which you might have purchased something from).

You are required to Contact immediately the Our agent in the United Kingdom who is in charge of your grant with the email address below for qualification documentation and processing of your claims.Also, you are to contact back to this email when you have collected your 500,000.00euro.
Verification Agent
Mr Montero Smith
Email: withheld
Please endeavour to quote your
Qualification numbers
You are by all means advised to keep this whole information confidential until you have collected your donation,to avoid double and unqualified claim, due to beneficiaries informing third parties on cash grant donation.

On behalf of the Board, kindly accept our warmest congratulations!

Yours faithfully,


Mr. Gianni Mattioli.
Foundation officer

Dear Mr Mattioli

It is truly a remarkable age in which we live in where I can make transactions with cash for an item I “might” have purchased and somehow still get on a database and be a lucky receiver of a grant for such a substantial amount of money.

But I guess an organisation such as yours requires some discretion, as indicated by your yahoo email address.

Unfortunately I do not run a business, nor do I actively participate in the community, so I must decline the generous offer for a grant (that I did not apply for), as I don’t feel the monies would be put to best use.

After looking through my inbox, I have used my financial advising qualities (ie none) to analyse that there is a growth *chortle* in the penis enlargement sector. I have taken the liberty to subscribe you to many of their mailing lists, so you can keep abreast of any opportunities.

No need to thank me.

Regards

Andy

---------------------------

MR. WANG QIN.
DAH SING BANK LTD.
19 DES VOEUX RD.
CENTRAL HONG KONG,
HONK KONG.


I am Mr. Wang Qin, senior credit officer of the Dah Sing Bank Ltd.I have a concealed business proposal for you.

After the United State and Iraqi war, our client Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah who was the deputy governor of Baghdad in Iraq and also business man made a numberedfixed deposit for 12 calendar months, with a value of Fourty Millions Five Hundred Thousand United StateDollars only in my branch.
Upon maturity several notice was sent to him, even after the war late this year. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later find out that the Governor has been assasinated in Baghdad.
The websites below is a verification of the news abou his death:

(links withheld - Andy)

After further investigation it was also discovered that Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank.

So, Fourty Millions Five Hundred Thousand United StateDollars is still lying in my bank and no one will evercome forward to claim it.

What bothers me most is that according to the laws of my country at the expiration three years the funds will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the funds.
Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah so that you will be able to receive his funds.

THE PREREQUISITE OF THE PROJECT

I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful.

I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah,all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your Full Names and Address so that the attorney can commence his job.

After you have been made the next of kin,the attorney will also fill in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you.

There is no risk involved at all in the matter as we are going adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents.

Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.Once the funds have beentransferred to your nominated bank account we shall share in the ratio of 60% for me, 30% for you and 10%for any expenses incurred during the course of this operation.

Should you be interested please send me your full particulars including your private phone and fax numbers for easy communication, you can write me viathe above email box or fax me with this number

FAX: (withheld)
email me at (withheld),
and i will provide you with more details of this operation as well as my particulars.

Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards,

Mr Wang Qin.


Dear Mr Qin.

After I stopped my puerile laughter at your unfortunate name, which is amusingly alike the word “wanking”, I did stop to consider your offer.

A share of “Fourty millions” dollars is quite tempting, however I am concerned that I may be labelled and possibly charged as a “profiteer of war”, something which I would like to keep off my record.

However, as you have provided me with links to a number of news sites, I can only feel but obliged to forward this email onto several media outlets. I feel they may be interested in what is happening to the assets of assassinated foreign dignitaries.

Perhaps they will be able to organise something for you.

Regards

Andy

----------------

Perhaps I’m wrong about high-falutin CEO-types. Maybe they’re not all corrupt people who delight in scratching each others backs in order to keep their wealth, or become wealthier. Maybe they really like targeting hotmail users as a conduit for laundered money…

Please note, this is all my spam from the past week. As there is a couple common themes running through them (ie "Have some money" and "complete bullshit"), I decided to share them with everyone.

Summer Stories

Jen S, I know you've tagged me... and I will do that meme shortly... but I've got this other thing stewing away... and it's below.

Story 1

I was speaking to some friends last night. Their respective industries are retail, and construction. They had just finished up a long day, and were completely exhausted.

And because I was sitting down, scotch n’ coke in hand, in my suit, looking rather fresh, they decided it was time I learned their opinion on the working class structure. Of course, it came across in the whole “you office people have got it made” type of way.

“I would love an office job” quipped one.

“Yeah, you’re not on your feet all day” said the other.

Oh, if only they knew. They didn’t realize that the scotch n’ coke I was holding aloft was my medicine for the idiotitis I’ve suffered these last couple days. My suit was clean, although tell tale signs of worry were there, invisible to the untrained eye – loose tie, shirt sleeves rolled up, my normally spiky hair lying flat, and I seemed fresh due to the two minutes of marinating I did in Escada Sentiment prior to the day’s beginning.

I had the whole reply in my head.

“Do you realize how much I would love to be out in the open? I would love to get some exercise whilst I work as well! I spend my days working on as much of my tan that four fluorescent tubes can provide, and my eyes are completely shot after staring at a radiation tube from point blank rage for eight and half hours.

“If management had any idea, we’d all have laptops with wireless broadband, and we’d be doing our jobs whilst sitting out by the river, pina colada in hand.

“But then there’d be the Occupational Health and Safety concerns, what with wind burn, and all. So we’d have to install canopies. Come to think of it, that would stop the sunburn, too. But canopies wouldn’t let light through, so we’d have to get some illumination. But then we’d have young ruffians giving us a hard time, so we’d have to put in some kind of barrier to prevent them from getting near us. Oh yes, and security personnel would need to be employed just to keep our OHS people happy.

“Okay, so sitting outside is a bad idea, but I would still kill for some fresh air and some active work, like you mob have.”

I really should stop inner monologues earlier.

The End

--------------------

Story 2

As the weather gets warmer and the days get longer, the environment in Australia changes somewhat. Oh, not just the beauty of nature and the influx of flies that have been long dormant over winter.

But also, if you’re walking anywhere, you are privy to scintillating conversation with people who don’t have air conditioning in their cars.

Ah yes, the insightful dialogue of a car-full of round men who will stare at you when parked at the lights, and will then voice their constructive criticism of you when they drive off and are a couple blocks away.

Because nothing makes me feel more inspired than a person calling me a “fucking arsehole” when they’re 50 metres away. No really. It’s like listening to the glorious sweep of John Williams’ Star Wars theme. Really. No. Really.

I’m sure women have been exposed to the one-way dialogue of the beautiful, lyrical word, “showwusyatitz!”

But I do realize that these people are far more superior to me, and that I should be thankful that they’ve decided to give me something to strive for. I want to be like them, yes I do. I’ve just remembered that I got a hammer-drill for Christmas last year and I’ve been looking for a way to reduce the number of my brain cells.

Whilst residing in Adelaide, Ben Folds once wrote a song in where he states unequivocally that “There’s Always Someone Cooler Than You”. He obviously didn’t spent too much time walking the streets of Adelaide, because out there are the coolest people In The World™

Pity you’ll never get to speak with them, as they’re far too busy giving you their “in-your-face” attitude from a vehicle traveling 50kph away from you.

Oh how I wish, I wish I could be as cool as them. But instead I will have to make do with simply not spending my thousands of dollars on an object that depreciates like Nikki Webster’s “music” career, and I will have to reserve my in-your-face attitude for people’s face.

But this post makes me sound like some summer-hatin’, pasty skinned, bean pole who would much rather spend time indoors than out in the fresh air, which isn’t the truth. I don’t hate summer.

I cannot deny the red-blooded male in me. I wish I was as cool as these guys, because I really, really, really want to impress the myriad of beautiful women with gorgeous legs… because these car-bound epitomes-of-chic obviously do impress the lay-dehs.

I have no evidence to back this statement up, though… I’m just assuming. But the way they persist in this behavior makes me think that they believe they’re doing something right.

And of course they are. They’re heaps cool.

The End

---------------

Story 3

Dear Blonde Woman Who Frequents My Floor And Has Started Wearing Shorter Skirts Since The Temperature Has Gone Up

Please refrain from drifting lightly past my cubicle, as I am getting distracted. No really, I actually am distracted by your presence.

If I weren’t such a coward with stunning women, and if I weren’t so adept at smelling the stench of boyfriend, I’d ask you out for a drink instead of whining away on my blog.

I realize that prior to meeting you face-to-face, I actually had quite a few business dealings with you, and I was quite the arsehole, but I would like you to put that aside for a second and do me a huge favour.

Cover yourself up. Stop floating gracefully past. Don’t apply any makeup. Stomp around the floor like a Neanderthal. Don’t appear dynamic and sharp, yet delicate and feminine.

It’s intimidating, and you’re distracting me.

So in finishing, BWWFMFAHSWSSSTTHGU, if you could please comply to my request as soon as possible, it would be greatly appreciated.

Yours sincerely

Guy Who Is Kicking Himself For Being a Rude Prick To You In A Previous Role, And Has Suddenly Realised That He Now Encompasses The Stereotype Of The Geek Who Cannot Relate Well To Women.

The Year 2005

I’ve been tagged by Steph from Much Ado About Sumthin! (link to her is on the right, and I haven’t the enthusiasm to type all that HTML… but I will type this excessively long explanation as to why I’m not putting the link in this post – which is just getting longer, and now it’s longer because I said that… and longer…).

I did have a post prepared on the infallible arguments of David Deutsch regarding silopsism, but then I thought, “Geez, who cares?”. Instead, I will embark on a meme in an effort to keep this blog ticking over, and to cover for my lack of imagination. (Oh, and Steph, I mean this in good humour)

1. What did you do in 2005 that you hadn't done before?

I lived in a year numbered 2005. I never did that before. I don’t think I’ll do it again, either. I did drive to Sydney, but that isn’t as rare as living in the year 2005.

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Personally, I’ve birthed the unfortunate ability to shove my foot in my mouth. As for offspring, no. My ex-sister-in-law is about to pop out the next anti-christ, but that wasn’t in the year 2005.

3. Did anyone close to you die?

I once held a soft place for my good friend “respect for the common man”, but I found out this year that it had died some time ago. Smelled a bit, too.

4. Did you travel? Where did you go? Best holiday memory?

I went to Sydney. Met some downright brilliant and charming people. Pity I couldn’t bottle them and bring them back to Adelaide. But knowing border control, they’d have to be quarantined.

5. Best thing you bought?

My ticket to Japan. Oh, and the lotto ticket that got me $25. I drank good coffee that week.

6. Where did most of your money go?

Investments. I got some cash after my house sold. Yes, I am the most boring person on the entire planet; “Oh, what did you do with your money, Andy?”, “Oh I invested it”, “What would you do if you won lottery, Andy?”, “Oh, I’d invest it”. I am a party that never stops. Ladies, call me now on 1800 BORES-A-LOT

7. What do you wish you had done more of?

Cavorting with gorgeous supermodels, driving a Ferrari Enzo, going to New York to have breakfast at Tiffany’s, and generally being a snobbish prat. But due to my never have done that before, and the unlikelihood of it happening at all, I’m going to be a disappointed boy for a few more years.

8. What do you wish you had done less of?

Moping. Drinking. Smoking (of which I am now 4 months without).

9. What kept you sane?

The cats. My family. The little red devil on my shoulder that tells me to burn things.

10. What drove you mad?

The white angel on my shoulder, telling me off for burning things. He should know that positive reinforcement works better on me.

11. What made you celebrate?

Settlement cheque for my house. Getting articles published. Having a vegemite sandwich – you gotta appreciate the small things.

12. What made you sad?

The media. Lots

13. How was your birthday this year?

Uneventful. Ladies, call me now on 1800-BORES-A-LOT.

14. What political issue stirred you the most this year?

Schapelle Corby and Michelle Leslie NUDE! NUDE pics here!!! Come and see!!!! They were good for google hits.

15. Where you in love in 2005?

Love is a state of mind induced from endorphins released when in the presence of a person… so no.

16. What would you like to have in 2006 that you didn't have this year?

An abundance of free time, and great big pile of inventive imagination. It’s what I need to achieve my New Years resolution.

17. What date from 2005 will be etched in your memory and why?

The date my ex moved out. Mainly because I need to remember that 12 months after that date is when divorce can start. However, as I will refuse to pay for it, I don’t see why I need to remember it. Okay, forget that date. Let’s go with March 26… because my birthday was memorable…

18. What song will remind you of 2005?

Like Steph, I have two. Green Day – Boulevard of Broken Dreams – not that I particularly like the song or band, but because it seemed to crop up everytime I turned on the fucking radio. Muse – Stockholm Syndrome.

19. Compared to this time last year are you happier?

Happiness is a state of mind induced from the release of endorphins when contemplating surrounds. So… yes.

20. Biggest achievement this year?

Driving to Sydney, I’d say. Not only for the achievement of travelling thousands of kilometres, but also because I didn’t see one alive kangaroo the entire way.

21. Biggest disappointment this year?

And once again, the winner is “The Media!”.

22. What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied?

Bigger pizzas from Pizza Haven. A bachelor needs sufficient sustenence

23. Best new person you met this year?

The devil on my left shoulder. We have heaps of fun together. I can’t give details, due to an impending investigation.

24. A valuable life lesson you learnt this year?

That, no matter how hard you try, or how well meaning you are, your life will always be affected by the loud, obnoxious, yet determined fuckwits.

“The problem with the world is that the unintelligent are so certain, and the smart have doubts.” (That's paraphrasing someone else's quote...)

I will refrain from tagging people, as I’m not comfortable with it.

“No, devil! I don’t want to tag people! Leave me alone!! What? Huh…? Okay… pass the matches…”