Over for another year

I have done it

I have successfully managed to go through a whole season of Australian Rules Football (AFL) without viewing a game at all. I hardly knew who was on top of the table, and I didn’t know what team was scrubbing up the arse end.

All I know is that the West Coast Eagles won. It’s kinda hard to not know the result of the Grand Final (Aussie version of the Superbowl) as it’s plastered over every single news stand.

I played AFL in my younger years, and I consider myself to be somewhat handy with the ball. Unfortunately injury took me out of the sport. There was a time where I became couch coach and would yell things at the screen – because I knew everything about the footsball.

Naturally, it was a perfectly good excuse for me to force my kids into the game in order to live vicariously through them.

But I stopped watching football. It’s an incredibly frustrating game to watch, due in part to the rule book being thicker than an entire collection of encyclopaedia Brittanica.

I can sum up playing the game as below:

There are two teams on the field. They wear differing colours to separate them and therefore allocates which goals they should be aiming the ball at.

There are guys out there who wear the same colour as you. You punch them.

There are guys out there who wear different colours to you. You try to punch them more than the guys wearing your colour.

Sometimes your hands hold a “ball”. You kick or punch this ball, sometimes glancing your limb off it strategically so that you end up kicking or punching someone else.

The referee is named an umpire, and you are not to come into contact with him at all… accidental or otherwise. Doing so will have you suspended indefinitely and you must sell your house to cover the fine.

Each team, however, has a player who is the umpire’s favourite and he is free to punch and kick everyone and anyone. Even the umpire will brush off a full frontal crash tackle with a, “nice one, champ” and a thumbs up.

The winner of the game is the team who somehow managed to not get caught punching someone else.

SO yes, it is an achievement. I have avoided the legalised combat that is the AFL for an entire season.

For anyone overseas who is curious about Aussie Rules Football, simply pick up an oblong shaped ball, get a few sticks to peg in the ground, and then proceed to punch everyone nearby. You’ll get the picture soon enough.