Summer Stories

Jen S, I know you've tagged me... and I will do that meme shortly... but I've got this other thing stewing away... and it's below.

Story 1

I was speaking to some friends last night. Their respective industries are retail, and construction. They had just finished up a long day, and were completely exhausted.

And because I was sitting down, scotch n’ coke in hand, in my suit, looking rather fresh, they decided it was time I learned their opinion on the working class structure. Of course, it came across in the whole “you office people have got it made” type of way.

“I would love an office job” quipped one.

“Yeah, you’re not on your feet all day” said the other.

Oh, if only they knew. They didn’t realize that the scotch n’ coke I was holding aloft was my medicine for the idiotitis I’ve suffered these last couple days. My suit was clean, although tell tale signs of worry were there, invisible to the untrained eye – loose tie, shirt sleeves rolled up, my normally spiky hair lying flat, and I seemed fresh due to the two minutes of marinating I did in Escada Sentiment prior to the day’s beginning.

I had the whole reply in my head.

“Do you realize how much I would love to be out in the open? I would love to get some exercise whilst I work as well! I spend my days working on as much of my tan that four fluorescent tubes can provide, and my eyes are completely shot after staring at a radiation tube from point blank rage for eight and half hours.

“If management had any idea, we’d all have laptops with wireless broadband, and we’d be doing our jobs whilst sitting out by the river, pina colada in hand.

“But then there’d be the Occupational Health and Safety concerns, what with wind burn, and all. So we’d have to install canopies. Come to think of it, that would stop the sunburn, too. But canopies wouldn’t let light through, so we’d have to get some illumination. But then we’d have young ruffians giving us a hard time, so we’d have to put in some kind of barrier to prevent them from getting near us. Oh yes, and security personnel would need to be employed just to keep our OHS people happy.

“Okay, so sitting outside is a bad idea, but I would still kill for some fresh air and some active work, like you mob have.”

I really should stop inner monologues earlier.

The End

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Story 2

As the weather gets warmer and the days get longer, the environment in Australia changes somewhat. Oh, not just the beauty of nature and the influx of flies that have been long dormant over winter.

But also, if you’re walking anywhere, you are privy to scintillating conversation with people who don’t have air conditioning in their cars.

Ah yes, the insightful dialogue of a car-full of round men who will stare at you when parked at the lights, and will then voice their constructive criticism of you when they drive off and are a couple blocks away.

Because nothing makes me feel more inspired than a person calling me a “fucking arsehole” when they’re 50 metres away. No really. It’s like listening to the glorious sweep of John Williams’ Star Wars theme. Really. No. Really.

I’m sure women have been exposed to the one-way dialogue of the beautiful, lyrical word, “showwusyatitz!”

But I do realize that these people are far more superior to me, and that I should be thankful that they’ve decided to give me something to strive for. I want to be like them, yes I do. I’ve just remembered that I got a hammer-drill for Christmas last year and I’ve been looking for a way to reduce the number of my brain cells.

Whilst residing in Adelaide, Ben Folds once wrote a song in where he states unequivocally that “There’s Always Someone Cooler Than You”. He obviously didn’t spent too much time walking the streets of Adelaide, because out there are the coolest people In The World™

Pity you’ll never get to speak with them, as they’re far too busy giving you their “in-your-face” attitude from a vehicle traveling 50kph away from you.

Oh how I wish, I wish I could be as cool as them. But instead I will have to make do with simply not spending my thousands of dollars on an object that depreciates like Nikki Webster’s “music” career, and I will have to reserve my in-your-face attitude for people’s face.

But this post makes me sound like some summer-hatin’, pasty skinned, bean pole who would much rather spend time indoors than out in the fresh air, which isn’t the truth. I don’t hate summer.

I cannot deny the red-blooded male in me. I wish I was as cool as these guys, because I really, really, really want to impress the myriad of beautiful women with gorgeous legs… because these car-bound epitomes-of-chic obviously do impress the lay-dehs.

I have no evidence to back this statement up, though… I’m just assuming. But the way they persist in this behavior makes me think that they believe they’re doing something right.

And of course they are. They’re heaps cool.

The End

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Story 3

Dear Blonde Woman Who Frequents My Floor And Has Started Wearing Shorter Skirts Since The Temperature Has Gone Up

Please refrain from drifting lightly past my cubicle, as I am getting distracted. No really, I actually am distracted by your presence.

If I weren’t such a coward with stunning women, and if I weren’t so adept at smelling the stench of boyfriend, I’d ask you out for a drink instead of whining away on my blog.

I realize that prior to meeting you face-to-face, I actually had quite a few business dealings with you, and I was quite the arsehole, but I would like you to put that aside for a second and do me a huge favour.

Cover yourself up. Stop floating gracefully past. Don’t apply any makeup. Stomp around the floor like a Neanderthal. Don’t appear dynamic and sharp, yet delicate and feminine.

It’s intimidating, and you’re distracting me.

So in finishing, BWWFMFAHSWSSSTTHGU, if you could please comply to my request as soon as possible, it would be greatly appreciated.

Yours sincerely

Guy Who Is Kicking Himself For Being a Rude Prick To You In A Previous Role, And Has Suddenly Realised That He Now Encompasses The Stereotype Of The Geek Who Cannot Relate Well To Women.