Even Spam Hates Me

In my hotmail account, I am privileged enough to receive numerous emails from far and abroad. Some of these are filtered through as “junk”, for reasons unknown, as you will read below. Also, my responses can be underneath in italics. Please forgive lack of decent formatting.

DEAR FRIEND,
MY NAME IS MRS.LARISA.SOS. NITSKAYA, PERSONAL SECRETARY TO MR.BORIS MIKHAIL KHODORKOVSKY,THE ARRESTED CHAIRMAN/CEO OF YUKOS OIL AND BANK MENATEPSPB IN RUSSIA WHO IS PRESENTLY IN JAIL. I HAVE THE DOCUMENTS OF A LARGE AMOUNT OF FUNDS WHICH HE HANDED OVER TO ME BEFORE HE WAS DETAINED AND TRIED IN RUSSIA FOR FINANCING POLITICAL PARTIES (THE UNION OF RIGHT FORCES, LED BY BORIS NEMTSOV AND YABLOKO, A LIBERAL/SOCIAL DEMOCRATIC PARTY LED BY GREGOR YAVLINSKY) OPPOSED TO THE GOVERNMENT OF MR.VLADMIR PUTIN,THEPRESIDENT THEREBY LEADING TO THE FREEZING OF HIS FINANCES AND ASSETS.

AFTER SEARCHING THROUGH THE BOOKS OF YOUR COUNTRY'S CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRIES HERE IN RUSSIA. I AM CONTACTING YOU TO ASSIST ME TO RE-PROFILE THE FUNDS AND EQUALLY INVEST SAME ON HIS BEHALF. THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF FUNDS TO BE RE-PROFILLED IS FORTY six MILLION DOLLARS(USD$46,000,000.00) AND YOU WILL BE PAID 20% FOR YOUR MANAGEMENT SERVICES.

AS SOON AS I RECEIVE YOUR ACCEPTANCE IN MY PRIVATE EMAIL thus: , I WILL SEND YOU THE NECESSARY DETAILS AND MY IDENTIFICATION.


YOURS SINCERELY,

MRS.LARISA.SOS.NITSKAYA.

ANY FURTHER RESPONSE SHOULD GO TO MY PRIVATE EMAIL ADDRESS FOR FUTURE CORRESPONDENCE.

Dear Mrs Nitskaya (and all the periods in your name)

I sincerely feel for your plight, as your oil and bank company seems to be so fraught with budget cut-backs that your computer seems to have its Caps Lock key stuck, and its spell checker is bust.

Your request for a new computer might possibly explain the current price of petrol, though.

Or, perhaps CEO’s in Mother Russia are liking personal assistants who don’t know good netiquette. But I guess this information is so important, that shouting is definitely required.

I would love to invest “same” of this money, although I am not au fait with my country’s policy on using assets of convicted criminals (regardless of whether they are innocent or not).

Whilst the proposition for a 20% slab of US$46,000,000.00 is enticing, I must refuse on the grounds that I don’t exactly want to get on the bad side of good ol’ Vlad Vlad Putin. I’ve still got his lawnmower, and he’s been harassing me about getting it back. God knows he’s annoying enough without trying to annex my backyard.

Good luck with this. As I like to help however I can, I have forwarded your email to the Australian Federal Police. If they cannot help you, then hopefully they might know someone who can.

Regards

Andy

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DEAR FRIEND,

AS YOU READ THIS,DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME,BECAUSE I BELIEVE EVERYONE WILL DIE SOMEDAY .MY NAME IS MRS SUSAN KHALID, A WIDOW AND CHILDLESS WOMAN NOW DUE TO A CAR ACCIDENT THAT CHANGED MY WHOLE LIFE ,I AM A MERCHANT IN NIGERIA . I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH ESOPHAGEAL CANCER WHICH WAS DISCOVERED VERY LATE,DUE TO MY LAXITY INCARING FOR MY HEALTH. IT HAS DEFILED ALL FORMS OF MEDICINE,AND RIGH NOW I HAVE ONLY ABOUT A FEW MONTHS TO LIVE,ACCORDING TO MEDICAL EXPERTS.I HAVE NEVER PARTICULARLY LIVE MY LIFE SO WELL,AS I NEVER REALLY CARED FOR ANYONE NOT EVEN MYSELF BUT MY BUSINESS.THOUGH I AM VERY RICH, BUT WAS NEVER GENEROUS,I WAS ALWAYS HOSTILE TO PEOPLE AND I ONLY FOCUS ON MY BUSINESS AS THAT WAS THE ONLY THING I CARED FOR BUT NOW I REGRET ALL THIS AS I NOW KNOW THAT THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST WANTING TO HAVE OR MAKE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD.

I BELIEVE WHEN GOD GIVES ME A SECOND CHANCE TO COME TO THIS WORLD I WOULD LIVE MY LIFE IN A DIFFRENT WAY FROM HOW I HAVE LIVED BEFORE.NOW THAT GOD HAS CALLED ME THROUGH THIS WAY I HAVE WILLED AND GIVEN MOST OF MY PROPERTIES AND ASSETS TO MY IMMEDIATE AND EXTENDED FAMILY AND AS WELL AS FEW CLOSE FRIENDS.I WANT GOD TO BE MERCIFUL TO ME AND ACCEPT MYSOUL, AND SO I HAVE DECIDED TO GIVE ALMS TO CHARITY RGANISATIONS,AS I WANT THIS TO BE ONE OF THE LAST GOOD DEEDS I DID ON EARTH.SO FAR,I HAVE DISTRIBUTED MONEY TO SOME CHARITY ORGANISATIONS IN THE U.A.E ALGERIA, MALAYSIA AND IDIAN.NOW THAT MY HEALTH HAS DETERIORATED SO BADLY,I CAN NOT DO THIS MYSELF ANYMORE.

I ONCED ASKED MY FAMILY MEMBERS TO CLOSE ONE OF MY ACCOUNTS AND DISTRIBUTE THE FUNDS WHICH I HAVE THERE TO CHARITY ORGANISATION IN BULGARIA AND PAKISTAN,THEY REFUSED AND KEPT THE MONEY TO THEMSELVES.HENCE,I DO NOT TRUST THEM ANYMORE,AS THEY SEEM NOT TO BE CONTENDED WITH WHAT I HAVE LEFT FOR THEM! THE LAST OF THE FUNDS WHICH NO ONE KNOWS OF IS THE HUGE CASH DEPOSIT OF THIRTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS($35,000,000 ,00) IN EUROPE WITH A CARGO SHIPPING SECURITY FIRM IN FRANCE PARIS .I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU CAN BE OF GOOD HELP TO DISPATCH THIS FUNDS TO CHARITY ORGANISATIONS.I HAVE SET ASIDE 10%FOR YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND PATIENCE.MAY GOD BE WITH YOU AS YOU HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE A BOLD STEP TO HEAL THE WORLD WITH ME OR EVEN IN MY DEMISE...

PLEASE REPLY TO MY PRIVATE MAIL BOX (email address withheld)
AS I WILL ONLY BE BUSY ACCESSING MY PRIVATE BOX WAITING FOR YOUR REPLY.

BEST REGARDS,
SUSAN SAIDIK KHALID

Dear Susan

I am truly blessed to know so many kind people who refer to me as “friend”, and especially ones that like to shout lots. I do feel for your plight, and it is certainly moving that someone could manage to build a successful business without a proficiency in the English language.

I also find it heart-warming that you choose not to write a Last Will and Testament, instead choosing to bring some happiness into a stranger’s life. Surely your name will live through the ages as a beacon of charity floating above the quagmire of greed, corruption and garden gnome stealers.

Your health may have deteriorated to the point that you cannot click some buttons on your internet banking, but you still muster the strength to type a lengthy email and life story – I am in awe.

I do find the idea of a share in thirty five mill very seducing, however I must decline. As chances are that I do not follow the God that you reference in your touching email, I do not feel that I can put this substantial amount of money to the organisations that would most befit your intentions.

I thank you for approaching me. As I know your health is deteriorating, I have taken the liberty to subscribe your email address to many different drug companies. I feel the true potential of Viagra has yet to be discovered, so hopefully my little gesture can help you along the fearful and harsh path you tread.

Regards

Andy

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FROM MR ONI ABRAHAM
DIRECTOR:NIGER INSURANCE COMPANY.

My Dear Friend,

I feel quite safe and satisfy dealing with you in this mutual beneficial transaction. Though, this medium (Internet) has been greatly abused, I choose to reach you through it because it still remains the fastest, surest and most secured medium of communication. However, this correspondence is purely private, and it should be treated as such. I guarantee you that this deal is hitch free from all what you may think of and I encourage you to read it to the end so that you can understand it very well for the benefits of both of us.I am MR ONI ABRAHAM.DIRECTOR:NIGER INSURANCE COMPANY, in charge of Claims and Indemnity of the COMPANY. I am contacting you based on Trust and confidentiality that will be attached to this deal for the benefit of both of us.

The Management and the Legal / Treasury Department of this NIGER INSURANCE COMPANY in a recent meeting, recommended that the account of ( MR. ANDREARS SCHRANNER),who maintained a Life Assurance Policy, should be declared Dormant and confisticated hence moving his unclaimed benefits funds to the Treasury according to our Banking and Financial law. Recently, I came across a huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person (MR.ANDREARS SCHRANNER).

He is a foreigner and unfortunately He is now late as he was among those that Died on the recent plane crash during his visit to London with his entire family.

You can confirm through this website below: (link provided but withheld from my blog - Andy)

This man was our client and has a Life Assurance Policy WORTH the sum of Fifteen Million United States Dollars (US$15,000,000.00). Right now, the fund is lying unclaimed in our custody and there is no next of kin mentioned in his file and there is NO HOW we can reach any of his other relatives. All efforts made to establish contacts with any member of his relation has proved abortive and unsuccessful. His Life Assurance Policy will expire in the next few months from the date of this letter. Just last week we received an instruction from Ministry of Social Welfare to forward particulars of all unclaimed benefits that will expire in the next few months.

Upon my personal finding on this matter, I kept this information secret to myself until now that I am contacting you. In view of the fact that the deceased customer is a foreigner (from a different country), it is officially important for the involvement of a foreigner who will pose as a next-of-kin. I will use my exalted position in this Insurance Company to present you as his Next of Kin as you can be his relative, friend or Cousin and the Money (US$15Million) will be safely transferred into your own bank account in your country.

Please include your Telephone/Fax number/ Home Address when replying this mail and I will give you more information as soon as you indicate your willingness to assist in this valuable transaction. I will use my exalted position here to get all internal documentations to back up the claims.

The whole Procedures will last only 7 working days to get the fund retrieved successfully without trace even in future. Please I need the following:
1. YOUR FULL NAME
2. PHONE AND FAX NUMBER
3. HOME ADDRESS/COMPANY'S NAME AND ADDRESS.
4. YOUR AGE AND OCCUPATION

The transaction will be done successfully and smoothly completed via email and phone. Send your full name, address and telephone number to me via email urgently today so and you call me for discussions as we will contract an attorney that will procure the documents that will cover you before the probate office as the next of kin to late MR. ANDREARS SCHRANNER. I PROMISE that you must be happy and shall rejoice greatly soonest for cooperation with me in this transaction. After successful conclusion of this transaction, we shall share the money 50-50 (50% for you and 50% for me).

I await your good response today.

Thanks and remain bless. I require you to maintain the confidentiality of this transaction because it is important due to the fact that I am still in active services to the Niger Insurance Company.
Your earliest and urgent response to this matter is very important.


Call me on my direct phone number for more clearification on this transaction.

I AM WAITING YOUR REPLY TODAY.
Kind Regards,
MR ONI ABRAHAM
DIRECTOR:(NIGER INSURANCE COMPANY )

Dear Mr Abraham, and O exalted one.

I have considered your proposal, and it seems sound to my non-lawyer brain, however I regret to inform you that I receive offers similar to this one, but are for substantially larger amounts.

As I must keep my own interests at heart, I must direct my interests to those that make the best offer.

I do hope that you can find someone more fitting to accept the benefit from someone else dying. As I try to help, I have forwarded your details to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. They might be able to provide some insight into tracking down a better next of kin.

Regards

Andy

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NOTIFICATION FOR CASH GRANT
This is to notify you that you have been choosen By the Board of Trustees of the above International charity organization based in the Italy as one of the final Recepients of a Cash Grant/Donation for Educational,Economic, social and Research developments in your community.
The Vittorio Foundation has established in 1977 by the Multi-Million group was conceived with the objective Of Human Growth, Educational and Community development. In line with the 28 years anniversary program this year, the Vittorio Foundation in conjunction with the European Council is giving out five Hundred thousand euro as specific Donations/Grants to 150 lucky international recipients worldwide in different categories for Business development and Social uplift of their various communities.

These funds are freely given to use for your business and educational development and your community development at large.
Based on the random selection exercise of internet websites and millions of Super market cash invoices worldwide, you were selected among the lucky recipients to receive the award sum of 500,000.00euro (five hundred thousand euro) as charity donations/aid from the Vittorio Foundation in accordance with the enabling act of Parliament.(note that your email was selected from either the nternet,after absolute viewing of your profile or a Shop's cash invoice around your area in which you might have purchased something from).

You are required to Contact immediately the Our agent in the United Kingdom who is in charge of your grant with the email address below for qualification documentation and processing of your claims.Also, you are to contact back to this email when you have collected your 500,000.00euro.
Verification Agent
Mr Montero Smith
Email: withheld
Please endeavour to quote your
Qualification numbers
You are by all means advised to keep this whole information confidential until you have collected your donation,to avoid double and unqualified claim, due to beneficiaries informing third parties on cash grant donation.

On behalf of the Board, kindly accept our warmest congratulations!

Yours faithfully,


Mr. Gianni Mattioli.
Foundation officer

Dear Mr Mattioli

It is truly a remarkable age in which we live in where I can make transactions with cash for an item I “might” have purchased and somehow still get on a database and be a lucky receiver of a grant for such a substantial amount of money.

But I guess an organisation such as yours requires some discretion, as indicated by your yahoo email address.

Unfortunately I do not run a business, nor do I actively participate in the community, so I must decline the generous offer for a grant (that I did not apply for), as I don’t feel the monies would be put to best use.

After looking through my inbox, I have used my financial advising qualities (ie none) to analyse that there is a growth *chortle* in the penis enlargement sector. I have taken the liberty to subscribe you to many of their mailing lists, so you can keep abreast of any opportunities.

No need to thank me.

Regards

Andy

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MR. WANG QIN.
DAH SING BANK LTD.
19 DES VOEUX RD.
CENTRAL HONG KONG,
HONK KONG.


I am Mr. Wang Qin, senior credit officer of the Dah Sing Bank Ltd.I have a concealed business proposal for you.

After the United State and Iraqi war, our client Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah who was the deputy governor of Baghdad in Iraq and also business man made a numberedfixed deposit for 12 calendar months, with a value of Fourty Millions Five Hundred Thousand United StateDollars only in my branch.
Upon maturity several notice was sent to him, even after the war late this year. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later find out that the Governor has been assasinated in Baghdad.
The websites below is a verification of the news abou his death:

(links withheld - Andy)

After further investigation it was also discovered that Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank.

So, Fourty Millions Five Hundred Thousand United StateDollars is still lying in my bank and no one will evercome forward to claim it.

What bothers me most is that according to the laws of my country at the expiration three years the funds will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the funds.
Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah so that you will be able to receive his funds.

THE PREREQUISITE OF THE PROJECT

I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful.

I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Hatem Kamil Abdul Fatah,all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your Full Names and Address so that the attorney can commence his job.

After you have been made the next of kin,the attorney will also fill in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you.

There is no risk involved at all in the matter as we are going adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents.

Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.Once the funds have beentransferred to your nominated bank account we shall share in the ratio of 60% for me, 30% for you and 10%for any expenses incurred during the course of this operation.

Should you be interested please send me your full particulars including your private phone and fax numbers for easy communication, you can write me viathe above email box or fax me with this number

FAX: (withheld)
email me at (withheld),
and i will provide you with more details of this operation as well as my particulars.

Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards,

Mr Wang Qin.


Dear Mr Qin.

After I stopped my puerile laughter at your unfortunate name, which is amusingly alike the word “wanking”, I did stop to consider your offer.

A share of “Fourty millions” dollars is quite tempting, however I am concerned that I may be labelled and possibly charged as a “profiteer of war”, something which I would like to keep off my record.

However, as you have provided me with links to a number of news sites, I can only feel but obliged to forward this email onto several media outlets. I feel they may be interested in what is happening to the assets of assassinated foreign dignitaries.

Perhaps they will be able to organise something for you.

Regards

Andy

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Perhaps I’m wrong about high-falutin CEO-types. Maybe they’re not all corrupt people who delight in scratching each others backs in order to keep their wealth, or become wealthier. Maybe they really like targeting hotmail users as a conduit for laundered money…

Please note, this is all my spam from the past week. As there is a couple common themes running through them (ie "Have some money" and "complete bullshit"), I decided to share them with everyone.