Penguin Force, Go!

Over the years I’ve learned that dealing with a confrontation with an equal and opposite amout of aggression doesn’t cancel the confrontation out.

Far from it. In fact, it makes the entire ordeal a fistful-of-fuck worse.

And I was chatting to a friend of mine about this precise subject the other night. I said that I find the best way to negate a situation like that is to make light of the subject, give a self deprecating comment and voila… situation avoided.

He nodded like he understood what I was saying.

The night progressed. We were at a black-tie dinner. Thankfully not too much booze was drank – I had soft drink the whole night.

On the way back to the car, I had to walk up Bank Street to pick up some cash. I asked my mate to come with me as it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Sure enough, as I was pulling my cash from the ATM, a drunkard staggered up the street. Spying us in our tuxedoes, he decided he would approach us.

“Havin’ a good night, fellas?” he slurred at us

Keeping my eyes on him, I hurriedly pushed the cash into my wallet.

“You guys are inshurance saleshmen…” he queried.

“Nah mate, just been out at a function” I replied cheerfully.

“You guys don’t have any shpare cash on ya, do ya? I need to get home”

Now, I am usually prepared for this kinda stuff. He would’ve seen me at the ATM, so he knew I had cash on me. But I usually keep a bus ticket with one trip left on it in my wallet, just in case I’m approached by people wanting money for a “bus ticket”.

I was ready to pull the ticket out and give it to him, therefore negating any problems before they came to a head, but my mate decided to interject.

“No we don’t have cash on us, but I’ve got a good idea for ya”

Pause. My mind racing with the words Oh and Fuck.

“Get a job”

I let out a resigned sigh, reaching into my pocket for my car keys, strategically placing them in my fist so many keys jutted out between my fingers.

What the fuck had I just told this guy???? I kept my hand in my pocket to hide the fist of metal I had hastily prepared.

He started shouting a bit of abuse. My mate only stirred the pot even more with a calm but condescending tone. The tuxedo probably didn’t help.

“Nevermind him, mate” I quickly told the drunkard, “he’s tanked and doesn’t know what he’s saying”

“He should keep his mouth shut!”

“Alright, I’ll take care of him” I said before backing away down the street with my mate.

“I’m not pissed (drunk), Andy” my mate said to me, “we coulda taken him. I don’t put up with people like that”

Further proof that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t stop him from being an ass…