Christmas Hyde

As I’m flanked by laces of tinsel, assaulted by merry tunes and greeted constantly by pom-pommed red hats, I can only feel obligated to send out an obligatory Christmas cheer comment. Or two.

And for those of you in a country that doesn’t celebrate Christmas, this is probably not going to be of much interest to you.

May the holiday season bring joy to your hearts, like the words of many an aching cliché uttered by well-meaning but unimaginative folks. It is a season in where you extend your best wishes to all, and they all extend them back.

It is a time when you put aside all feelings of ill-will, and show the lighter side of your nature. You do something that may be a little different from your normal behaviour, in the hopes of making everyone else’s Christmas just that bit gayer.

Like when your ex wishes you a merry Christmas, you thank her kindly – instead of telling her to get fucked.

When people yell obscenities from their car window as they pass by, you smile and wave an acknowledgement – instead of cracking their rear window with a rock.

When you go to a bar, and a drunken Australian girl says that she loves your accent and asks you where you’re from, you make up a country to humour her – instead of raising your eyebrows and asking her what medication she’s mixing in her refreshment (note: I don’t have an accent – at least, not for a local).

When senior staff don’t bother to thank you for your hard work over the past month, you smile and chat with them when you pass in the corridor – instead of spitting in the water cooler.

When the hot office girl walks past, you nod and greet them – instead of staring open-mouthed, drool escaping down the side of your jaw, a soft zombie-esque moan emanating from your throat.

When people chat to you on public transport, you talk back, agreeing with their conservative attitudes on things like immigration, racism and politics – instead of fantasizing about stabbing them in the face. With a pen. Repeatedly.

When children approach you at a restaurant, brandishing whatever toy it is that has their attention, you smile, nod and talk at length with them about it – instead of suppressing the idea of tipping over their parents who are rocking on their chairs as a result of being three-deep into their bottles of wine.

When waitresses give you shoddy service, you wave off their apologies with a slight hand gesture and give them a tip – instead of waving off their apologies with a slight hand gesture and then staring unabashedly at their breasts.

When carolers start singing in the atrium of your office building, stop and listen to them intently – instead of hurriedly walking past them, hands clamped over your ears as you then catch an elevator to the top floor and start lobbing five cent pieces off the catwalks.

Spread the cheers. Do something that’s different to what you’d do normally. I know I am.