Actual email I sent today

Hello

Thanks for your email. Sometimes it is good to hear about people you never see much of anymore. Sometimes

I hope you are going well, too. Well, I hope you are going well insofar that I don’t wish a bad life on anyone. I’m not that embittered.

However, we weren’t really friends all those years ago. In fact, when you weren’t fake smiling at me in a way reminiscent of how someone might look if they were trying to suppress gag-reflex, you were off bad-mouthing me to the more popular people in a vain campaign for inclusion.

I sincerely cannot be fucked with the idea that we should “catch up”. I think that pretending otherwise would be dishonest, and would serve no other purpose than to waste a few awkward hours – hours probably better spent doing something productive. Like scratching my arse, for instance.

That sounds like a far more invigorating use of my time than listening to you spout out your achievements over the past decade, just to convince yourself how much of a loser you haven’t become. I’m sure my life is of very little interest to you too.

So, I think I’ll spare you the effort you would need to muster to bullshit your way through reminiscing our “good ol’ days”. Chances are it’d only last two minutes before we’d awkwardly stare at each other and start talking about the weather.

Yes, I agree that it has been a long time. I think both of us would agree that it’s probably getting better as the time gets longer.

Take care

Andy

No reply yet