Waving to the rapids

Oftentimes it feels as though the world is shrinking around my shoulders. The giant concrete pillars in which I toil do not shield me from shadows of my past. This city, this seemingly boundless canyon once seemed great place in which to revel in my anonymity.

People flowed around me like a river of bobbing heads and blank stares.

But it’s not the case now. Not anymore.

Persons whom featured prominently in my past have made the pilgrimage to the city. I don’t have a problem with this, if it wasn’t for the fact that I either have to correspond with them, and that I cannot walk down the mall without glimpsing one of them.

My ex mother-in-law works in my department. So does an ex-girlfriend.

The latter telephoned me today regarding a business matter of import. The feeling of reeling back, even whilst being seated, was a sensation I would not care to repeat.

As it serves as a constant reminder of how much of an idiot I was in a previous life. Also, it highlights how little affect I had on her.

The stunning realization that I have been foolhardy in my consideration of others did not come easily to me. In fact, many an hour had been spent in quiet contemplation, as I stopped and discovered that I had been the perpetrator behind ill-feelings; not the victim.

I would love to grasp a rock and lob it into the river, just to see which skeleton from the past I knock out.

I dunno. There’re many people I have met over the course of my life, many good, many bad. Many I don’t ever want to speak with ever again. Many I lament not remaining on good terms with.

I used to love going along with the flow of this city, but now all I feel is the suction of being dragged under with all these memories of the past standing dry on the bank, waving indifferently as I plunge past.

All I can think to myself is… this world is too fucking small.