Message in the Not Mail

Has anyone heard of the therapeutic technique in where you write a letter to someone, but not actually send it? It’s good to get things down on paper, just for your own sake. It makes it easier to articulate your thoughts, and then plan on the action you must take.

I’ve tried it, and yes… I can conclusively say that the technique is actually bullshit.

So, I’ve gone and designed my own technique. It’s called, Writing A Letter And Then Blogging It So That The Entire World, Except The People It’s Directed At, Can Read It.

I call it the “Sky Writer Says Fuck You” technique.

So, without further ado.

Dear girl who works in the café down the street from my workplace.

I don’t know who the fuck stoked your fire, but looking at me like I’m failing at suppressing some terminal bout with flatulence doesn’t really enamour me to your business. I’d be tempted to give you a tip if you perhaps didn’t slap my food into my hand as though you were passing the baton in a 100 metre race… but… wait, no that’s a lie. I wouldn’t tip you full-stop. You’re not cute, and I’m shallow that way.

(tipping isn’t customary in Australia…)

Dear Male P Plate Drivers

Just because I drive a car that looks prettier than yours, it doesn’t mean I want to have a drag race with you at every set of lights. I don’t feel like I have to prove my driving prowess, or my car’s power output to little twerps like you. Besides, have you seen the cost of fuel lately? I’m not made of money, you know.

I don’t think Daddy would like it if I told him what you really do with his car when you tell him you’re “ducking down to the shops for some milk”.

As you also have to wear those lovely plates on your car that automatically brand you as a knuckle-dragging, antisocial terror, I know which one of us would get pulled over by cops first. Heh. You may be younger than me… but I’ve got… um… I’ve got… er… hmm.

Fuck off.

Dear The Instructor On Tuesday Night

An instructor is there to inspire others, to teach people the ideals and philosophies behind the subject. They are to encourage, support and provide feedback.

Instructors do not force their pupils to jump through hoops, show off how much better they are at the subject, nor do they portray some “I’m Top Shit” air and show off. Just because you got your black belt recently, it doesn’t automatically mean that you’re some fuckin’ oracle, and that we are all in awe of you.

In fact, I picked up some flaws in your teachings, but I didn’t want to tell you. I’ve seen the way you look with contempt at people of a lower belt than you, so I doubt you’d listen to me. I learned long ago that ability lies with what’s in your head, and not the colour wrapped around your waist.

If you’ve got a problem with this, I didn’t say it. It was the guy next to me. Go beat him up.

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I feel better.