A list to offend

Posted on Honeysmack’s blog was a list of 30 things that guys should know about girls. It has some fair points, I believe, and I couldn’t help but throw my hat into the ring.

However, this has seemingly dobbed me into writing my own list, but vice-versa – ie 30 things girls should know about guys. Frankly, I see nothing but a stern dressing down from the females who frequent this blog… but hey… I’m only a male.

Bear in mind that the only qualification I have to forge such a list is my chromosome make up and my two brains, so this list is borne from my personal experiences… expect a little ire… don’t take it personally…

1. If you tell a man that “nothing” is wrong, despite the fact that your body language, red face, livid eyes and shouting tone of voice suggest otherwise, he will only assume that nothing is, in fact, wrong. Men believe verbal language before they believe body language.

2. Do not use the technique known as the “silent treatment”, unless you’re hoping to forge a relationship of spite.

3. Guys like sex. Lots.

4. Guys like lots of sex. Lots.

5. If you want help, ask for it. Guys often dislike being chided for getting in the way, so we sometimes simply stay out of your way. We believe that the female psyche is often volatile depending upon moods, societal concern, stress, political worries and dare I say it, cycle, so we are of the belief that the only time a woman wants help is when she asks for it.

6. The male psyche is quite different to a female’s. There are times of malaise in where a man will simply stare blankly ahead in a momentary period of rest, or a mini-meditation. If you ask a male “what are you thinking about?” during this torpor, he will respond blankly with the word “nothing”. This is the truth.

7. If you don’t believe that he is thinking about nothing, then he is probably thinking about something you don’t want to know about… or sex. Lots.

8. The male ego is a precious thing. Boost it every now and then with some positive reinforcement.

9. Motorsport and ball sports are a sacred right to view for many males. He’ll go to a chick flick with you, but respect the sacred ceremony that is the “weekend footy”

10. If he regales his friends with stories about you, it isn’t to deride you. It’s because he’s proud to have you. Either that, or he’s an ugly prick who will never, ever get a woman as hot as you.

11. If he does something sweet, it’s because he wants sex. Lots of it. The male must remain as appealing as possible to incite the mating ritual. Also, the male is aware that a good cure for a headache is sex. Think of another excuse.

12. Lying about menstrual cycle to negate his lustful advances is not on. Ever. Never… Period…

13. Appearing “pussy whipped” is an innate and primal fear of every male. If he’s ever dismissive of you in public, be assured you’ll get the affection back ten-fold once behind closed doors.

14. He has female friends, and most likely they are ones he finds somewhat attractive (he wouldn’t keep them around otherwise). Take heed that he chose you over all of them, and that is actually a compliment.

15. A guy’s tough exterior is only skin deep. Insults cut him like you wouldn’t believe. Unless he’s an emotionless tool.

16. He looks forward to his birthday, because he knows he can ask for sex without scorn. Be prepared for it. To be honest, it’s probably the only present he wants…

17. If it’s serious and you must meet the parents, his mother is always going to scrutinise you. Smile and be a happy person, and if that doesn’t work, then keep doing it.

18. Before you came along, his head was in a trough full of food, and the vacuum cleaner had more dust on it than in it. Comment on the cleanliness of his unit, and how dinner smells nice.

19. Your paying the entire bill at a restaurant brings his manliness and his ability to provide into question. If the bill isn’t split, then he must pay for it in its entirety. Don’t challenge him on it.

20. If threatened by another member of his gender, especially regarding you, be prepared for the verbal equivalent of elk butting heads. The mountains will echo with the cracking of horns locking. It happens sometimes. Link arms with him.

21. The first outfit you chose was more than good. You looked stunning. You’ll get that exact same opinion even when he’s surveying you from inside the car, honking the horn for you to hurry up.

22. A boy’s night out is equally as important as a girl’s night out.

23. A man’s dog is his best mate. They drink together, play together and sometimes work together. You must get along with his dog.

24. Drive his car with the tentativeness as though you were lullabying a baby to sleep. He’s very precious about it. If you want to show him how brilliant a driver you are, do it in your own car and not his pride and joy. Remember… he’s precious.

25. If you want to surprise him for whatever occasion… just get naked.

26. Nagging may get the job done, but it’s immensely frustrating. Instead, promise him nudity and watch that leaky faucet seemingly fix itself instantaneously.

27. He hates clothes shopping. For either him or you. With a passion.

28. If a female is bothering him, you have every right to scratch her eyes out. This has a two-fold effect; he will be assured that you’re really keen on him, and him watching two women wrestling on the ground will probably turn him on.

29. In a lot of cases, he won’t understand the appeal of some of your music. You will never agree on this. It’s only a small thing.

30. He probably won’t like your cat.

Some of those things are tongue-in-cheek, and some are not. If you’re offended by any of these, then that item is tongue-in-cheek. If you think it’s insightful, I intended it that way.

And naturally, I don’t speak for all males…