Unescapable Truths

Sometimes in life you are faced with certain, unescapable truths. Bills need to be paid, dishes need to be done, and sometimes what you say sounds like it was ripped from that stupid Sunscreen Song that came out years ago.

And the less mentioned about that the better.

Recently, I have awakened to the truth that when people ask me for advice, they really don’t want it. Well, not from me, anyway.

Years ago, I told my ex that she should look into the possibility of doing a massage course, as she seemed to show a flair in that area (on the one or two occasions I got a massage)

“Oh no…” she said, “I simply cannot do that because of [random stupid excuses]”

A year later she begins looking into massage courses, because someone at her workplace suggested it, as she was “good at massage”.

Hmph.

This has happened a few times recently; someone seeking some form of advice comes to me for an outsider’s perspective, and I provide it with honesty, tact and subtle encouragement.

However, there is always an excuse.

They don’t feel confident enough. They don’t think they’d be good enough. They can’t afford to do it. They simply don’t want to…

Until someone else suggests the same thing.

And then it’s Full-Steam-Ahead-Nothing’s-Getting-In-My-Way-Move-The-Fuck-Over-I’m-Coming-Through-And-There’s-Nothing-You-Can-Do-About-It-I-Said-Move-Over-Wanker-Before-You-Get-Squished-As-A-Result-Of-My-Newfound-Zest-For-This-Goal-I-Must-Achieve.

Do these people ask me this just to inflate my ego… just to make me feel like I’m wanted? Do they think I get some form of boost out of providing an outsider’s perspective? Do they believe that I delight in simply filling the silent void with my pearls of “wisdom”…?

Are these people just humouring me, and don’t really care what I think? Are they just asking for my opinion so I can feel included?

Fuck off.

I’ve queried some friends as to whether they simply wanted multiple people to get as many perspectives as possible, but on each occasion they simply shrugged and said, “I just changed my mind.” Yeah. Of course you have.

I am thinking of getting a pad printed with a series of tick-boxes. When someone asks me for advice, I pull out my pad, tick a box and hand it to them before walking off and taking care of my own fucking life.

The tick boxes will have the following next to them:

You should go for that job. What’s the worst they could say?

I don’t think you should have a Shiraz with fish.

Is a new car/house/boat/other-liability sensible considering your other expenses at the moment?

You’re too good for him/her

Just be honest with them

What are you, stupid? Shit, no. You shouldn’t do that.

I’m sure you’d make a great …………………………………….

No really. You should/shouldn’t (cross out where applicable)

What do you enjoy doing? What job would fit that?

But seeing as this outburst of bile is directed at people not listening to me in the first place, I think having a pad printed with only one thing on it should take care of my current vex:

Don’t ask someone whose opinion you actually value.

I know they won’t listen to me anyway…