Magic Face

I have been told by all and sundry that I look like my brothers. Yeah, that’s fair enough, I reckon. To be derived from the exact same genetic mould would lend itself to some similarities amongst siblings.

Unless there’s a certain milkman in my parents’ area who moonlights as a gigolo, I don’t know… but I’d be sniffing the milk before consumption, I can tell you.

I was having a word to a friend not long ago, and she mentioned briefly something about an interview that she’d organised for my brother. He didn’t get the job. Yet, she intimated to me that he didn’t get the job because he simply wasn’t good looking enough.

I could harp on for hours about the Halo Effect as a means of explaining that more deeply, but frankly, that’s not what’s on my mind.

I look like him, so this person coordinating this interview must equally think that I’m equally not exactly the prime cut of beef from the hide of humanity. This initially makes me think that I should excuse myself, waltz into the men’s room and repeatedly smash my face against the bathroom sink. But hey... I don't know this superficial little twerp.

But then I think, hey… it must be the whole package. The way you carry yourself, the way you speak and the “air” about you that people use to define “attractive”. Besides, smashing my face on a sink doesn’t exactly help my cause.

A friend of mine had a saying: UHOHM. A passage from this saying usually went along the lines of, “Yeah, he was cute… but you know.. UHOHM.

It was an acronym for Until He Opened His Mouth.

If this prospective mark was to stand any chance of picking up this friend of mine, she had to approve of his voice. Don’t ask me why… it was her “thing”.

In previous conversations, confidence has featured highly, which lends credibility to the whole “air” idea, in that a guy has to have a certain “air” about him to warrant being attractive. And guys… I don’t think farting is creating the air that I’m talking about.

Call me ker-azy, but I hardly think cocking the leg and peeling one off is a great way to make a good first impression.

Look at me. Resorting to low-brow jokes. Anyway…

Then there’s the whole “Must have a sense of humour” thing. Yeah, we all want that. Especially from that one that drives the BMW, has a huge bank account, and nice arse.

It’s almost like trying to be a jack-of-all-trades, just so you can make that good first impression, and then you can let go and One Cheek Sneak to your heart’s content.

But, I will leave you with the final anecdote. It’s probably best described in conversation form:

Female Friend: You know, Andy. You’re a cute guy. You’ll be swamped in Japan.

Me: Thanks [FF].

FF: Oh yeah, totally. You just look so different nowadays. It’s like a totally new you has come out since January, and it’s most beautiful.

Me: Yeah. Actually… you look kinda different, too.

FF: Yeah? How?

Me: Yeah. Hey… when did you start wearing contacts?

FF: I haven’t worn contacts. I don’t wear them.

Me: So… you’re not wearing your glasses, either…

FF: No…

Me: So, you’re not seeing that clearly at the moment, are you?

FF: Er… no, not really…

Me: Excuse me

I then exit to go to the Men’s room, figuring that maybe turning my face into one of those Magic Eye things from 1995 would make me more appealing to women.

I forget what my point was. Oh yeah. Don’t fart until later.