Kids are intoxicating bliss

Before I was whinging about how little material I had around this town. But thanks to a small trip out grocery shopping, I was able to find something that mildly amused me.

Thank you, Arndale Shopping Centre.

This place is usually a haven of screaming kids, prams and errant shopping trolleys all looking to strike you sharply on the shins.

As I was walking out with my own groceries that largely consist of fresh fruit, vegies, pre made lasagne and souvlaki kits, I was obstructed by a small urchin, looking up at me with enormous green eyes.

“Look where you’re going…” instructed the creature’s mother, “… Kahlua.”

I thought that was brilliant, to name a kid after a nice alcoholic beverage. Talk about giving the kid some complex, and not to mention the expectation to become either the greatest barchick the world has ever seen, or one of the most spectacular drunks.

However, christening one of my kids “Midori” reeks of awesomeness.

I looked at the parents, with a slight smirk on my face. I think it went unnoticed. I could’ve understood the name had their heritage been somewhat exotic, like African, Estonian or even Tasmanian. But they were just like every other anglo-saxon schmoe who attended that bastion of consumerism.

I felt like turning a nod to both the parents, addressing them by name as I did so.

“Shazza… Bazza.” I would’ve greeted them had I not been carrying ten kilos of sprint impeding groceries.

(For those unfamiliar with Australian methods of creating affectionate nicknames, any moniker can be twisted around by taking the first initial or two and adding “azza” to the end. Ie Barry becomes “Bazza”, Shirley becomes “Shazza”. Sorry, Jasmine, but you’re Jazza over here… no, that’s a lie. It’d be Jazzazza, which is another name that reeks awesomeness)

Sometimes, it could be understandable. Baileys could be a perfectly normal name. Drambuie, maybe. Even “Coopers” (South Australian beer) gets a shirt, as long as you remove that awful “S”.

However, if you’re from a particularly bogan area of Queensland, I’d be wary of naming your kid XXXX (a local beer)… or “Four Exx”. That’s just asking for the kids to replace your name with the plethora of four letter words in the English language, because they think your name is censored.

But it could make the kid really popular. For one thing, their name would be near the end of the role (if it were sorted by Christian name… hey, it could happen), and they would be revered because their name is so rebellious, they had to bleep it out.

“Wild Turkey” is pushing the boundaries a bit. “Shiraz” or “Merlot” is simply begging to have them beaten up. “Chivas Regal” is just spelling school yard death.

Just don’t call your kid “Fosters”. We’d deport that shit.

So… if you could name your kids after booze… what would it be? Why?