Protect me!!! Er... I mean us!!!

There isn’t a warning label on my office’s toaster which says I shouldn’t stick my tongue in there whilst it’s on! But, I really, really want my toast!!!

There are no warning labels on the knife set in my office that tells me to not poke the sharp things in my eyes. But I NEED to know how sharp they are!

Come to think of it, there’s nothing to stop me from throwing my chair through my 9th storey window and then additionally throwing myself onto the pavement below. Reason I would do this? Just… curious…

What about the chances of me walking along the street and then getting struck on the head by a falling chair and man that had just been lobbed out of a 9th storey window? There are curious people out there. I suggest that everyone in the CBD needs to wear a helmet in the street.

They should erect “helmet zone” signs across town, so that you know you’re in an area that requires a helmet.

Don’t forget “no helmet zone” signs which tell you that you are able to remove your helmet in safety. But there should be a clause on that sign that says that the council is not responsible for any injury possibly sustained while not wearing a helmet in a helmet free zone.

But what if I feel like wearing my helmet on my feet? There’s nothing to tell me WHERE I should wear my helmet. So there should be a “Wear On Head” label for that.

What if I trip and injure another part of my body? Surely a bulky helmet will make my centre of gravity higher (therefore making me more trip-prone)? I suggest protective clothing, from wrists to armpits and ankles to perineum. Or forget that. Maybe a full body suit, complete with cotton wool. While we’re there, lets wrap up everything else in the same stuff. That way we would bounce off everything and not get hurt.

What about possible mental anguish at having to wear these body suits? Fear not, they would all be coloured a nice neutral grey, complete with warning label informing to not remove the body suit under any circumstance.

That way, due to our ultra safe, constant-across-the-board measures and standards, we will finally be safe from ourselves. There will be no need to worry about anything, as nothing will ever threaten us, or in any way require us to change.

Or… we could use our fucking brains.