Celebrity Calamities

The adulation that some celebrities receive quite often amuses me. There was a heart warming story on news.com.au today of a young girl who had “the best day of her life” when she met a player from the Sydney Swans.

She broke down in tears whilst in his embrace, only to be nonchalantly told “… I just play football.”

Ne’er a truer word a spoken, I think.

I shan’t be harsh upon this girl, as I’m not familiar with the schoolgirl psyche and cannot hope to understand how they can seemingly devote themselves to an icon of prominence. Personally I have met a couple celebrities in my time, and the only thing going through my head is “Don’t do something stupid, don’t do something stupid, don’t do something stupid…”.

This is usually right before I do something stupid.

I don’t think breaking down in tears is an example of not “doing something stupid”, however we all know how soft us guys are on a woman crying… so maybe it worked in her favour.

However, if I was to break down in tears whilst hugging Megumi Okina, I think she’d probably run away quicker than I could say “psycho boy”. And I talk pretty fast.

But I guess that’s the difference between myself and this lovely schoolgirl; I haven’t really met a celebrity female that I admire, so I should reserve judgement. Having noted my previous experiences with fame, I really hope I don’t bump into any female celebrities that I admire.

If I may name drop for a second…

When I was 17 years old, I was standing around at Memorial Drive (tennis complex in Adelaide), waiting for my friends to finish their game in a tournament we were participating in. Pat Rafter (Aussie tennis player who now moonlights as an underwear model/part time nice guy or something) suddenly appears, walks over to me and asks me if I am using the vacant court nearby.

I think I stood staring at him for a couple seconds, akin to a puppy dog trying to comprehend the instruction to “sit”. I then gestured at myself as a wordless method of saying “Are you talking to me?”. He nods, and I then blabber something about how he can use the court and that I’m “just hanging around”.

We chatted for a bit, if by “chatted” you mean “he spoke and I mumbled back whilst shoving my tennis bag in his face for an autograph”.

I once got to hang out with The Tea Party, whilst they were rehearsing and jamming before their Big Day Out appearance. I am a big fan of this Canadian trio.

In my excitement to see them jam, I forgot to bring anything for them to sign. I had come straight from work, so all I had on me was my payslip.

So, I now have a record of my fortnight’s earnings with the autograph of The Tea Party on it.

Afterwards I was in traffic with the windows down (it was a hot day), and I was gushing to my (then) partner about how awesome it was to talk with them.

Next to us in traffic was the band’s Toyota Tarago, each band member and their driver staring at us, grinning.

However, there are the times when you realize that these people are simply human beings, and it brings it all into context.

I once bumped into Hugo Weaving (Agent Smith from The Matrix) on Flinders Street. Having enjoyed his work in The Interview, I felt compelled to simply say hello. However, his body language seemed to show he was irritated. The way he walked close the outer edge of the sidewalk in a vain effort to remain unseen, and the “fuck off” look in his eyes suggested that he wasn’t having a good day. He wanted to be left alone.

He looked at me, and I could see his mind tick over. The idea that he would have to tolerate another aficionado did not appeal to him.

I smiled politely and let him continue on his way.

From these three experiences I think I can conclude that whenever I am faced with a celebrity, I shouldn’t open my damn mouth, as that seems to be the precursor for stupidity to spill out.

So, if you go to a book signing by Tara Moss or Anne Rice, a premiere featuring Megumi Okina or a concert being covered by Maya Jupiter of Triple J, you can pick me out of the crowd.

I’m the one with my mouth sewn shut. Yeah.

Because I don’t want to come across as someone stupid…