Rules of Peak Hour…

Things I have learned from driving in peak hour traffic.

Swear words can be strung together to make one huge encompassing word that possibly could never end, oxygen allowing.

The car window is not to be used as a form of ventilation, but only so that the gap in the window can be filled with your arm, brandishing your finger in a glorious one-fingered salute.

The car’s “warning device” should only be used as a musical instrument. Despite the fact most/all (legal) horns have only one note, it doesn’t stop the driver from angrily belting out Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit.

Other drivers are not sharing the commute with you - they are competing with you. Any attempts to change lanes should be blocked with the stoic stubbornness of a bouncer refusing entry to a poorly dressed patron: “Not in those tyres, sonny…”

Indicators are completely and totally optional in their use. Other drivers should have the ESP of a Jedi, and therefore should be able to predict what you’re going to do way before you perform the manoeuvre.

Leaving a space across an intersection only promotes wastage of space. If there is any gap in traffic, it should be filled despite the fact that the lights are green for the cars travelling in the direction perpendicular to you. Traffic Tetris rules adhere, ie fill all the gaps.

You must tailgate in order to prevent anyone from cutting in front of you. If you follow that three-second rule, you will only have to make way for someone else coming into your lane, and you will need to slow down to make a three-second distance between you and the new car in front. This slows you down over time. Tailgating must be maintained in order to keep a constant and quick speed.

Many people think the left lane is the least used (in Australia) as it reduces the risk of becoming stuck behind a parked car. Not true. It is there so that young drivers in their ultra fast cars can swoop around and get to the front of the queue, because they’re in a hurry, and the rest of us aren’t.

If a car does become trapped behind a parked car, it is the driver’s fault and should be ridiculed by method of simply not letting him into the lane. Drive on, oblivious to his or her plight. It’s not like they’ll hunt you down for not letting them in… hell, they should know the rules of peak hour.

It is also a common fallacy that bus lanes are for the sole use of busses. Not so. Again, these are the lanes of the young driver who must make it to the front of the queue. It’s peak hour, so they’re allowed to. My right to do this was taken away the moment I turned 27.

You are allowed to fantasise about pulling out the driver in front and smashing their head on the windscreen of their car, as they brandish some form of lame purple bumper sticker that preaches life is, in fact, a wonderful thing, and that the world is a playground of giant mushrooms, magic, fairies and swirling stars with smiley faces. Repeated participation in peak hour will soon cause that driver to rip off that sticker and chop it up in a ritual reminiscent of the final scene in Apocalypse Now.

If an accident happens, stare at it. Constantly. Do not remove your gaze. Even adjust your rearview mirror so that you can see it when you’ve passed by. Turn to whoever you can and utter, “Did you see that?”.

Emergency vehicles should also adhere to these rules. No one cares who is dying, what house is on fire, or which drug dealer is escaping authorities. Whoever you are, whatever your vocation… you’re stuck in this pit of metal and poison gas like the rest of us.

Ultimately, I have learned from peak hour that no matter who you are, how rich you seem, or whatever you drive… you’re still one of us, and you’re trapped here… like the rest of us.

Unless you’re young…