The Agents of Lurve

When walking to the field of Relationships, you have to negotiate the path of Establishment. During this time you must exercise the feather touch of Reason and Caution to ensure you don’t take the action of Over Excitement. This will lead you to step on the landmine of Severe Cock Up, cause an explosion of Humiliation and leave you lying as pieces of Blind Naiveté in the mud of the Remorse ditch.

Yes, establishing a relationship is a perilous thing indeed. No, I haven’t stepped on my own proverbial land mine, but this all has made me think that this whole shebang is a highly political environment. But, I can’t remember who said this, but “politics” is the ability to say “nice doggie” whilst reaching for a rock.

There’s the whole bit of “when do I call?”, “should she call?” coupled with second guessing exactly how serious the other person is. Don’t come across too eager, but don’t be too reluctant.

I’m surprised that more single people haven’t topped themselves.

So what’s the answer to this terrifying and hazardous phase? What can be done to ensure that most people somehow don’t put a foot wrong in this tumultuous time?

I propose Relationship Representation. Or, perhaps the more catchy Agents of Lurve.

Why place your own ego on the line when you can have someone else do it for you? You provide your agent with a brief of the type of partner that you’re seeking, and they scourge the pubs, clubs, bars, streets, websites, and sporting associations in search of someone you might wanna hook up with.

When the agent scopes out their prey, they can approach them and begin the interrogation, or perhaps the more catchy “Lurve Networking”. They indicate that they represent a certain person, and the conversation stems from there. The Agent of Lurve then determines whether the prey (or perhaps the more catchy “Prospect for HOstile TAkeover of Lurve” – PHOTAL for short) is a suitable match for synergy, or the more catchy Lurve Merger.

Of course, if the PHOTAL already has representation, they can give your agent the card of theirs, and discussions can take place… or perhaps the more catchy “Lurve Talks”.

Naturally if the PHOTAL is spoken for, then the agent moves on, marking the file as “Already with Significant Shareholders - Hope Of Love Exacerbated”, or perhaps the more catchy acronym, “ASS-HOLE”.

Of course, this venture needs to have a risk analysis done. Possible risks I see are:

Risk: No guy is going to believe he needs representation, because his ego tells him that he’s a hot stud capable of landing his own partner. To reduce risk, perhaps run heaps of adverts that suggest that all single men are in denial.

Risk: When the agents are “in-the-field”, they are obviously going to keep the best PHOTALs for themselves. To reduce the risk, perhaps ensure that the agent is of different orientation to the client.

Risk: Agents may get punched out by jealous boyfriends. To reduce risk, ensure that agents clearly explain beforehand that they represent someone else. Also, agents must be au fait with legislation pertaining to Assault and Battery.

Risk: This idea takes the fun out of the whole thing. To reduce risk, somehow get the Agents of Lurve idea to feature on Desperate Housewives… or failing that, CSI.

There are more, I’m sure. But I think this needs a business plan. I’ll get back to you.

This idea is reserved by The Inane Asylum. Blah, blah, blah… copyright laws apply, blah, blah, blah, If I see a successful business like this one outlined above after the date marked by this post, you are going to see some perturbed skinny bloke on your doorstep.

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I just have to add that yesterday was a weird day. Apart from the myriad of strange people that I correspond with on a daily basis, I also had the bizarre occurrence of being approached by a bloke trying to sell me a set of speakers.

Normal you say? Not so normal when you consider that he was riding in the car next to me, and we were still in motion.

Trying to articulate that the speakers you have in your house are more than ample when travelling at 80 kph down Tapleys Hill Road isn’t as easy task. It’s also hard to explain that him trying to sell speakers to strangers out the back of his van appears extremely suspicious. Doing a sales pitch at high velocity gives a certain, “Shit dude, take my speakers quick, the cops are on my tail” vibe to it, which was a bit disturbing…

“You know what they say; you snooze, you lose” he finally yelled over the bellowing winds before accelerating to the car in front of me.

I want a new world. This one is broken.