Post Use By: Last Month

After spending so many years blissfully ignorant of the changing world around me, due largely to being hitched, rejoining the single-world has been an eye opening experience.

At the risk of sounding like a 60-year-old, things have changed since I was a kid.

Sure, I’m only 26 years old, but I don’t seem to remember all this bizarre-ity when I was 21 years old.

So, here’s a list of what I’ve learned from other people in the space of the last three months:

If you talk to a girl in a pub without the intention of giving her a right ol’ banging, you’re a homosexual.

If you tell a barfly that you don’t want to go out and “get pussy”, you’re a homosexual. This is regardless of the fact that you simply don’t want to hang out with a sleazy 50-year-old toolbox.

If you wear a suit to a pub because you’ve come straight from work, and it’s simpler to not go home and get changed, again, you’re a homosexual.

If you drink something other than beer… yeah, you guessed it.

If you wear an aftershave other than Brut 33…

If you speak well…

If you dress well…

If your haircut isn’t a mullet…

If you have a Jag wallet…

If you drive a four cylinder… (even if it’s turbo)

If you take more interest in the World section of the paper instead of the page 3 girl…

If you don’t have scabs on your knuckles as a result of them dragging on the ground continually…

However if these homosexual inference mongers pat another guy on the arse, and put their arm around them, then they’re virile and fertile heterosexuals. Geez, how ignorant of me. Of course, the fact that these people bluntly proposition girls 25 years their junior (or even more) and get rejected means that they’re some kind of super stud, and that I’m some kind of weakling. Excuse me for not being about to slur, “heybabe-fancee-a-rewt?”

So go ahead guys. Buy drinks for the girls. I really don’t care. Mmmm… I can almost smell the Rohypnol from here.

But, I think this is more indicative of where I’ve been hanging out, rather than of how society in general has changed… either way, it’s definitely confronting, and I don’t think people should go around casting assertions to others’ sexual orientation with… pardon the pun… gay abandon. This is regardless of the actual orientation of the individual as well.

Of course, it may have been naïve of me to think that I could simply go into a pub, grab the newspaper and have a few quiet drinks without a) being approached by the 18 year old bargirls, or b) having to socialise at length with the barflies. How dare I sit down and mind my own business? Geez, I have some nerve. If I were me, I’d give myself a right ol’ talking to, and if I weren’t such a nice soul, I’d give me a nice big punch in the mouth for extra effect.

I wrote this about a month ago, so it’s a little out of date. I haven’t frequented that particular pub for a while, mainly because I believe that I simply don’t belong there. Frankly, I’m enjoying the fact that I have money in my wallet now, and that I don’t have to put up with trying to decipher the phrase, “whaddayadoingwiththatpaper[?]whydontchacometalktousyasnobbyprick[?]whatchadrinkinscotchncoke[?]whaddayasomekindapooftah[?]”

I've edited it as best I could, considering it was one word with multiple upward inflections, which that might've signified a question. Other than that I have no idea what it meant. I can only assume that it’s either an affectionate term for welcoming newcomers, or they’re discussing at length their interpretation of the universe, and how their insignificance scares them.

But I guess I’ll never know, and that will remain a mystery for the ages.