All Over The Place

As part of my going to Japan, I have participated in and completed an Intensive Japanese course, just so I can visit the country and not be totally oblivious to what people are saying to me.

This course involved a lot of writing, reading, homework, practice and listening to tapes.

Now, I am confident that a conversation with a resident of Japan would go something along the lines of:

Me: Good morning! How are you?

Person Fluent in Japanese: I’m fine, thank you very much. Nice weather we are having, aren’t we?”

Me: Er… Good morning? I’m fine, thank you.

Person Fluent in Japanese: O… kay. You’re some kind of moron aren’t you? You do know that it’s 1.00pm and therefore not morning anymore, yeah?

Me: (nodding and smiling) Good morning!

Person Fluent in Japanese: I’m just going to… leave… now…

Me: Good morning!

Or something to that effect, anyway. I can’t help but feel that I could do much better had I actually done the writing, reading, homework, practice and listening to tapes. But nevertheless, last night I receive my certificate in the mail, congratulating me upon my successful completion of the course.

I love unaccredited training…

Anyway, it appears that I won’t be appearing on SBS’s Insight program, which is probably a bit of a neat bullet-dodge when I think about it. They said they were going to contact the successful people last week, and the filming is set to take place on the 7th of April. I haven’t received no email or call, so I think it’s safe to assume that they’ve got enough nutbags to spout cliché’s at random.

So, I’m going to play cliché bingo when I watch the show. Every time I hear a phrase, I will cross it off my list until they are all gone. Here they are:

Insight Cliché Bingo - What Men and Women Want In A Relationship

“Confidence”

“Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen”

“A good sense of humour”

“Looks aren’t important”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”

“Girls say they want nice guys, but why can’t I find anyone when I’m a nice guy?” or “Girls say they want nice guys, but end up dating arseholes.”

“Money”

“Just be confident” (it will probably be mentioned multiple times… from both genders.)

That’s all I can think of at the moment. But before you ask, no, these aren’t necessarily my own sentiments or beliefs. Hell, seeing as I’m not going on the show, I might as well spurt out a transcript of what might have transpired.

Interviewer: So, Andy. You’re newly single and have been dealing with a new world of singledom. What is it that you think women want?

Me: That’s largely subjective I think. I mean, some women could be after adventure, spontaneity, excitement and a yearning anticipation for what the next day brings. Other women could be seeking security, responsibility and routine. But even then these women’s priorities could fluctuate between these two poles willy-nilly.

Interviewer: What makes you say that?

Me: Well, people are capable of change. However, this change doesn’t come from extrinsic factors or influences from their partner. It seems to stem from a lifestyle that strikes their fancy, and that could strike at any given time. It’s the whole “Greener Grass” ideal, perhaps.

Interviewer: As a male, what do you seek in a partner?

Me: Faithfulness.

Interviewer: Care to expand on that?

Me: Er… extreme faithfulness? (leans forward with raised eyebrows)

Interviewer: Okay, I’m being directed to go to another member of the audience.

Me: Why? Am I being perceived as totally unstable? Am I going to say something defamatory, which could end up with the show getting into trouble? Just because I’ve been burnt, it doesn’t mean I’m totally irrational! I refuse to believe that my stupid ex can incite anger in me anymore! I’m totally over it! Totally!! (picks up chair)

Interviewer: Security!! Row B!

Me: (slaps forehead repeatedly) Ohayo gozaimasu*!

Of course, this isn’t exactly an accurate description of what would’ve happened. There is no way I’d use “willy-nilly” in everyday conversation.

But, in an effort to be somewhat serious, I agree with make-believe me in when he says that what women want is largely subjective. As for what men want in a partner… well, I’d just want a woman who is her own person. Has her own drive, and isn’t over reliant on me. Can do things of her volition, without incessant prompting by me. Oh, I’d like some respect, too… that’d be nice. Ooh, and fries… and a sock.

And yes, guys… sex is on that list, too. I am male, after all.

*Japanese for “Good morning”