Personalised Days

Well, we are exactly one week away from Valentine’s Day. A time of the year when girls anticipate extra romance and feeling swept off their feet all over again, and at the same time guys anticipate working extra hard for their root.

It’s far too easy for me to be cynical about this day, especially considering the current situation in which I find myself. But I guess whenever Valentine’s Day came around, I was the one gambolling around the house/office/method of public transport, sticking question marks in the face of the content woman or bloke holding flowers.

… before eventually giving in, and doing the whole romance thing.

It seems that we always reserve a particular day (or even a week) to do something that we should do everyday anyway. Like talking to your mother, father, and appreciating the country you live in, or maybe even being aware of some debilitating condition like diabetes, ebola or watching The Price Is Right.

But I guess these days simply serve us a reminder of the things we should be doing, and specifies a particular day that we put aside so that we can focus on that small responsibility.

So, I propose the following days, as well as those schmaltzy voice-overs for the advertisements.

To the guy next door: Hygiene Day. “You have neighbours, and you know they have a sense of smell. Show them that you appreciate their tolerance of that dead rat odour by cleansing your house. Enter our competition, and win a years supply of Fe-breeze.

To the creepy guy who walks down my street constantly: Blinders Day. “There are days where you like to be left alone and not be talked to. Acknowledge this by respecting that other people sometimes feel this way and please not try to glimpse in their front windows when you’re walking past their house. They’ve stopped getting changed in the front room, now. Also, do not speak to them when they’re gardening on Blinders Day. It’s likely that they’ve entered our draw for an exciting chance at winning a box of sharp pencils to stick in your eye.

To the chick that lives on the other side of my house: No Make-Up Day. Yes, you’re hot. Your neighbour gets it. Sometimes though, it would be good if the amount of make up you put on couldn’t double as a sealant in the cracks of your house’s foundation. Show people the REAL you by boycotting make-up… just for a day. Get a free scraper with every purchase of a trowel at Bunnings.

To some of the guys at my martial arts club: No Ego Day. You train exceptionally hard just so you can lay claim to be able to kick someone’s arse. We know that you’re finding an outlet for being picked on in high school, so settle down on No Ego Day. Everyone else is there to learn, so coming within one-tenth of breaking the newbie’s arm just to prove how hard you are probably isn’t in line with the spirit of the day. Free balloon and propeller-hat for the first 50 customers at Dr Nick’s Psychiatry.

To the guys I play tennis against: No-Ego Day. Same as above but replace “arm” with “racquet”, “learn” with “have fun” and “high school” with “general”.

To myself: No-Judgement Day. Settle down and take it easy, sport. No one is perfect, including yourself, you judgemental prick. Buy one Chill-Pill, get one free at Bob’s Backyard Amphetamines.

I’m sure I’ve missed a few people out of this, but hey... time permitting, I might think of some more.

Thank god I don’t have to go through this Valentine’s Day stuff this year. I think I got to the point that anything I did would pale compared to previous efforts. And it's difficult to think of new and exciting ways to tell someone that you love them. Using "Wuv" wears off after three years...