Melancholy and the Infinite Apathy

Last Saturday marked the completion of my 27th lap of the sun. So, in true midlife-crisis style, I am going to list my achievements over the course of my life.

• I graduated from High School with low-flying colours.
  
• I have been ranked in the state for volleyball, but missed out on sponsorship because I simply wasn’t good enough.
  
• I have tried out for Norwood Football Club Senior Colts, but wasn’t good enough.
  
• Got a myriad of “Most Improved” trophies from my local football club, which really is “The Guy Who Should Get A Trophy, But He’s Not Good Enough To Get Anything Else”.
  
• Have played tennis, and reached a level where I was good enough to get an opportunity to mingle with people like Jim Courier, Pat Rafter, Andre Agassi, Todd Martin, and Stefan Edberg… due to my playing in a tournament that ran alongside the major men’s international tournament being played at the time… not because I was a that good a player of the game.
  
• Have obtained a green belt in Judo. Haven’t pursued it any further due to injury… from football and tennis.
  
• Have obtained a brown belt in Ninjutsu. I am still studying it, so I’m not sure how far I will go.
  
• I am a Grade 4 CAMS official. Haven’t been going to motorsport events recently, due to lack of real motivation.
  
• I have completed Radio School, but didn’t pursue the career due to my hesitancy to travel beyond my home area at the time.
  
• I have worked in a videogame store. Didn’t stay because I wasn’t good enough to be put on the roll full-time.
  
• I have been employed at an onion farm, where I pulled weeds out of a harvester in 40 degree (Celsius) heat. Left that job because I got another one.
  
• I have worked at a Motor Museum in their events coordination area. They couldn’t afford to employ me for more than 12 months.
  
• I have worked in a Minister’s (politician, not the religious type) office. Wasn’t good enough to stay there.
  
• Started work in a Commissioner’s office. Stayed there for four years, yet through restructures, I was employed by five different organisations.
  
• Been a Project Officer, handling a budget of roughly $200,000. Didn’t feel good enough to continue with it, and moved onto another role.
  
• Have worked in various positions throughout IT. Didn’t get the permanent, good paying job that I had acted in for a year due to my not being as good as someone else in an interview situation.
  
• Have had three relatively mediocre (in hindsight) articles published in Hyper magazine, one of Australia’s most popular videogame publications.
  
• Am working as a Marketing Officer for a Publishing unit.
  
• Am working on a novel, which hopefully will get published, but going from previous experiences, it probably won’t be good enough. Well, that won’t stop me from trying anyway…
  
• I have been to New Zealand twice… both times before those Lord of the Rings movies came out, and before it became trendy to go there…
  
• Have been married.
  
• Have separated from wife, due to my not being as good as the bloke she left me for.
  
• Am dealing with subsequent culture shock. Hopefully I will be good enough to surpass it.
  
• Might be going onto TV, pending whether the show’s producer deems me “good enough”. If successful, I will have used the 15 seconds of fame allotted to everyone, and will move on with life.
  

Funny… it seems like so much more has been achieved when I go over it in my head. But I guess when you see it trivialised into dot points it seems rather under whelming. Also, the significant amount of times that I mention “not being good enough” (or words to that effect) it is rather disconcerting. If I were a pessimistic person, it would be natural to conclude that I am cursed by mediocrity, and that I should stop trying so hard.

But that’s only if I’m pessimistic, which I don’t believe I am.

Having written that, though, I do feel a certain sense of dread when it comes to facing the world. It’s almost as though I’m becoming antisocial, based solely upon the fact that whatever activity I partake in, the end result is ultimately the same:

ie waking up alone, save for a splitting headache and an overall feeling of average-ness.

Another side of me does actually wonder what the point is in worrying about being an everyday schmuck. Well, to answer that… there is no point to it. I know that I simply must keep trying if I am to make anything of myself. On my deathbed, I’m not going to look back and say, “Well, at least I saved myself a heap of suffering by succumbing to shallow self-preservation, and by not taking chances”

I got some luggage for my birthday, which forced a realisation that my travelling overseas isn’t just some pipe dream anymore. It’s becoming very, very real now, and to simply bail out of travelling for the sheer reason of “Why Should I Fucking Bother?” would be letting myself – not to mention the people who gave me said luggage – down in a big way.

Well, here’s cheers to grabbing life by the horns. I would like my tombstone to read something like “Here lays a good man… but not good enough. Yours sincerely, Life.”