Filthy Addicts. The Lot of Us

In true defrag style, I am finding myself deeply fascinated by surveys, and what their findings show about us as a society. The latest one to crop up is telling us something that I’ve suspected all along; we’re all filthy addicts.

I must admit to fitting in with the majority of respondents of this survey, in that I simply cannot function without some form of caffeine coursing through my veins like petroleum through a fuel line (damn Clipsal 500 hangover is dicking with my analogies), and I often shun daily tasks to do something more stimulating.

But that’s not because I’m addicted. I’m just a terminally ill procrastinator. I don’t necessarily buy my morning coffee because I need the kick, but more to do with the fact that walking down to the café, ordering my brew, waiting for it to be prepared and then walking back takes up 15 minutes of my day, which would normally be spent filing crap away into my “general” file or responding to annoying emails.

Much ado was made about the shooting galleries in Kings Cross, in where heroin addicts may receive treatment for their vices – as well as a hit - in a controlled and clean environment. Not to detract from heroin addicts as their dependence can be quite debilitating, but I must ask, where are the facilities to treat us caffeine-whore procrastinators? How I would love to announce to my colleagues, “Hey, I’m just popping out for some ‘treatment’, did you want me to pick you up a Danish or a Croissant?”

But coffee isn’t the only “harmless everyday compulsion” that Australians indulge in. It seems that a fraction of them are addicted to exercise (!).

And if I needed any further proof that this country is largely inhabited by nutbags, then that’ll do nicely. Being addicted to exercise strikes me as being somewhat similar to being addicted to shoving rusty nails through your temples. Sure, it serves a purpose but it’s painful as all hell (the purpose of the nail shoving exercise being that you need a full frontal lobotomy to function in today’s society).

Whilst I do exercise a bit, I can’t exactly say that it is an addiction. It’s more something to do to pass the time when I’m not at work or when I’m not drinking coffee.

The survey also revealed that women are more likely to be shopaholics than men. Amazing revelation, eh? Well, not really when you stop to consider that the words “woman”, “shopping” and “spree” are almost synonymous to the point where we refer to the females of our species as “spree-females”.

Another hapless addict is preyed upon by an opportunistic consumerism pusher

You know how most couples have soppy little nicknames for each other? You know, like snookums, sweetie, baby etc? I’m sure that my little name for the ex was something along the lines of “You bought what now?”

But it’s good that Reader’s Digest comes out with surveys like this. Now I know that the next time I see someone dart over my back fence with my DVD player tucked under their arm, I’ll stop and think, “well, maybe they need to fund their everyday-impulse habit.”