How to not impress Japanese schoolgirls.

I have spoken briefly about the gaffes that Japanese make when trying to decipher the plethora of clicks and whistles we call the English language, but now it is time to change tack.

Yes, that’s right. I made quite a couple social faux pas… faux pi… er… many fuck ups whilst “trabberring” (traveling) around Japan.

And it extended beyond the “Not handing stuff over with two hands” or “giving money directly to the cashier instead of in their little tray next to the till” thing. Although, there was plenty of that.

I was walking down the main street of Noda, and I was stopped briefly by a group of school girls, all chorusing “Hello! How are you?!”

Naturally, I stopped, smiled and politely replied in English… as they were obviously keen to try out theirs.

Any questions they didn’t understand the reply to, I would do my best to tell them in Japanese.

I heard one remark something along the lines of a surprised “Oh… he speaks Japanese!”

I turned to her, smiled and used the hand gesture of my pointer finger being close to my thumb to indicate that I knew “a little” Japanese.

She looked at me confusedly. She even leant a little backwards, and she mimicked my hand gesture as though it meant something. She stammered a couple lines about needing to leave, and we all exchanged goodbyes and walked off.

I thought the last exchange rather curious, but didn’t think about it too much.

It wasn’t until I returned to my apartment that I remembered reading that using the hand signal of finger to thumb in a similar way to an “a-okay” sign is actually a Japanese method of asking “How much?”

So… I think I had just asked a fifteen year old (approx) school girl “HOW FUCKING MUCH!!?!?!!?!!!?!!!!!”

How. Fucking. Much…?

I think I would’ve caused less offense if I had asked her if all prostitutes wear school uniforms.

Recalling that story always makes me die a little inside.

A diversion

Some things I will probably ask for many seconds to come:

Like… why did she push so hard to save for and buy a house, only to then discover that paying off a mortgage isn’t the life she wanted?

Why was she so keen for marriage, only to assert that she was always a free spirit and didn’t want to be trapped… only to then bunker down with a new man…?

Why is it that she changed… but only in a way that made her more abusive, even when I telling her what she was doing?

Why someone is able to place blame totally on me for the failure, despite the fact that it was her who was doing the destroying.

Why is it that someone can do what she did, and still land $40,000 (half each of what was left after the house was sold) despite not doing anything that contributed to the house’s value?

Why is it that someone can commit such atrocities to my psyche… yet somehow escape reprimand, as I know that to do so would be empty, soulless and ultimately hopeless?

Why is it that someone can tear you apart for your own personal failings, yet to return the scorn would only be met with indifference?

Why is it that my fleeting memories of Japan readily recall the murderous black swirl of crows that cawed deafeningly at my back?

Why is it that I must face justice and undergo change, when she continues on blissfully – content to blame everyone else but herself?

Today, I am officially a man free of marriage. Free of that woman.

Pity I can’t tell her to get fucked.

Excuse me!!!!!

What trip to Japan would be complete without takin’ the piss out of their kooky Engrish translations:



I haven’t had a cigarette since August last year, however… this “smorking” thing sounds incredibly fun. Maybe I should take that up instead. I couldn’t do it on this floor though. I had to go outside to smork.



It goes without saying that if you don’t bring pets around, it’s fairly likely that there’ll be no poop. However, this sign seemingly suggests that it would be perfectly okay for me to “poop” here (as it is affectionately referred to here). Also… is it really a sign to say that you shouldn’t bring pets to this area… or is it simply a sign that politely informs you of a nice fact…?

Chalk it up to one of the things you learned today: “Hey… if there are no pets around… there’s no poop! Pass it on!”

(Note: I realise that this isn't really a bad translation or anything... I just found that sign amusing... it's my new wallpaper... really)



This one is a little confusing, and it relates to connecting my laptop to the hotel's internet. The blue part reads "There is a case that it can't be connected, either,by the hard environment which is usually being used. It isn't easily responsible even if a wrong point occurs in the computer virus and so on" (grammar painstakingly reproduced for that authentic feel). So... people use this hard environment? In a country of tens of millions of people, I'd say that most things in general are "usually being used". This was in my hotel room, and it made my head hurt.

Anyway… further impressions…

The people function almost robotically. Once they step onto the trains, they bury their face into either:

A mobile phone

A Nintendo DS

A Sony PSP

A paper that would require a PhD and two decades of servitude to understand.

However, the trains play this cute little tune before they depart some stations. It struck me as ironic that the trains displayed more playful personality than the people being digested in its cast iron stomach.

Even the garbage trucks play a cute little announcement and tune as they cruise through the streets.

I watched a fire truck slowly meander though the streets of Noda, playing a cute little ditty. I remarked to my room mates that “In Australia, the trucks wail in a manner that’s like ‘Get Outta My Fuckin’ WAAAYY, AAARRRSEHOOOLE!’, whereas the fire trucks in Japan are like a quiet ‘Sumimasen!* Sumimasen!’”

Geez. Even their fire trucks are more polite than the people back here in Australia.

*Excuse me/sorry

PS When you do a post that pokes fun at other peoples' grammar... you need to be really, really, really, really, really careful about your own... as my ten edits of this post enforces...

Quick photos

I gotta do this quickly. I'm at work.

Let's get the cliche out the way. Here's Fuji-san. What you don't see is a group of teenagers behind me, who eventually plucked up the courage to ask if they could have a photo with me... I obliged.



This was Chateau a la Andy for the first week. It's the building thats a bit taller than everything else. It was quaint.



This is a view of Noda, from the train lines. From looks, you'd think that Japan was made up of impoverished people. I guess that's for the people to define...



This was my house of study. It was a good way to spend the first week.



And the inside...



Some of the gardens were immaculate...



Me at Ayase station, waiting for a train after a hard night's... training...



Akasaka at night. This is the city I stayed in for the second week.



Palace Gardens in Tokyo



A sign that instructs to not smoke in the building. Next to it: A cigarette vending machine...



Harajuku girls... apparently they're "in character", so they're not doing the V symbol. I think they didn't liked being stopped in the street by a weird westerner with a crazy accent.



Well, there's tonnes more... but maybe when I get time...